Tag: working mom

Count the Fruit

Published on by tinavila209 Comments

*Podcast version on Spotify or Anchor!

“Count to 10. Just breathe… and count to 10.”

Have you tried that? Well, I have. Many times. I’ve flaunted my counting skills plenty without much to show for it. I was no less angry, and no more calm than when I started. Just another confirmation that I can in fact count from 1 to 10. And most of the time… I couldn’t even get to 10 because my blood might have just boiled over first.

Mom rage. It’s real. It’s that moment after you’ve asked them calmly to stop 6 times in a row with not even the faintest acknowledgement of your words. Then you’re seeing red and feeling very disrespected in your own home by a bunch of people half your size… Ok, who’s the boss around here? Who’s raising these kids? Because there’s no way I’d let my kids get away with this! Except oops! They are my kids… and they’re absolutely getting away with it.

That picture might make you think of 10 ways I’m getting it wrong, or 10 more things you would do differently. And you could be right! But that’s not really the point.

I’m not writing this to share parenting advice. I’m not selling you anything, and I’m not trying to debate parenting models.

I’m just saying: I struggle. It’s hard. And sometimes I feel trapped by the very thing I wanted more than anything – my family.

I hate to give you a mental image of me that’s anything less than the picture of perfection. As much as we want to appear real and authentic, it’s terrifying to be that vulnerable in such a public setting. So I won’t go into further details because that won’t bless anybody. But it’s worth noting that as much as I love sharing my highlight moments, lots of things about parenting are a lowlight challenge for me. And I suspect they are for you too.

We may not struggle with the same things, or in the same ways, but we’re all imperfect people trying to do life perfectly. Well, it’s just not that easy.

Then it hit me…

A few months ago, I was praying through the fruit of the Spirit. You know…

  • love
  • joy
  • peace
  • patience
  • kindness
  • goodness
  • faithfulness
  • gentleness
  • self-control

You can find them in Galatians 5:22-23.

I have prayed through the list for years, pleading with God to make each of these qualities a part of my life.

But in that moment, I sensed Him telling me to count them out. Just count the fruit.

In stressful moments, in angry moments, in tense moments, in overwhelming moments, in mundane moments. Count out the fruit of the Spirit. So I did. I tried it. And it changed everything!

Allow me to me explain…

Defiance and cruelty are triggers for me.

If a child is being willfully disobedient after clear instruction or correction, I tend to lose it.

We all make mistakes. Kids are kids and their brains are not fully developed, blah blah… so I can usually make allowances for dumb stuff they do without realizing.

But if they are explicitly told not to? If they were corrected in their behaviour or actions and still continued down the same path? Ohhhhhhhhhhh dang, good luck to that kid because I CANNOT with disobedience and defiance.

That, and cruelty. When my kids are cruel to each other (and it happens, I ain’t raising angels), I have very little patience for this. I know it’s all part of being human since we’re all selfish and self-serving. But being cruel, just to be cruel, makes me super angry. And the result isn’t pretty.

So these are the scenarios where I need the Lord’s strong arm of intervention, because there’s a good chance we’ll all end up in tears if I gave in to my flesh.

And therein lies the problem. Where do my reactions come from? What’s at the root of my response? Is it God’s Spirit in me? Or is it my own selfish flesh?

Romans 7:15-20 talks about doing what we don’t want to do. Case in point: I don’t want to yell at my kids. But I do.

So rather than counting to 10, which has been useless to me, I now count the fruit.

When I’m confronted with defiance towards me, or cruelty towards each other, I recite the fruit of the Spirit and something incredible has been happening…

The blood-boiling, rage-inducing moment subsides as I say:

love… joy… peace… patience… kindness… goodness…
faithfulness… gentleness… self-control…

I have literally felt my anger melt away. And the culprit in front of me who was driving me crazy, making me want to rip my hair out…?

Well somehow I’m left staring at that child through the eyes of Almighty God. I’m filled with compassion, empathy, and God’s love for this kid. I’m reminded of how precious and loved they actually are.

And I can parent with a cool head.

Friends, I wish you could see my face as you take in these words. This is legit. I have never, ever, E-V-E-R found success in keeping a cool head in parenting through moments that push my buttons HARD. It’s just not in me.

Maybe it’s my passionate Greek blood. Maybe it’s because I’m selfish and I want things to go my way. Whatever it is, counting to 10 wasn’t doing it.

So what is it about the fruit of the Spirit?

I’ve learnt this: it’s not about trying hard enough to do the right thing, because under pressure, the mouth speaks what the heart is full of (Luke 6:45). When my heart is full of rage, rage comes out.

So I meditate on the fruit of the Spirit. I ask God to fill me with His Spirit, so that from the overflow of my heart, I can speak:

love… joy… peace… patience… kindness… goodness…
faithfulness… gentleness… self-control…

Because when we’re rooted in God, the fruit of the Spirit naturally flows out of us.

How do we remain rooted in God?

  • Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you – James 4:8
  • If you remain joined to me, and I to you, you will bear a lot of fruit. – John 15:5
  • The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him. – 2 Chronicles 16:9
  • Keep your mind focused on what’s above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2
  • Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about these things. – Philippians 4:8
  • Be unceasing and persistent in prayer. – 1 Thessalonians 5:17

That last one was the real game-changer for me. I now spend much of my day just running through the fruit of the Spirit in my mind. While chopping lettuce, folding laundry, sweeping the floor… I just count that fruit as a prayer. Asking God to fill me with His Spirit. So that when another trigger episode comes, I’m already in a mental state of…

love… joy… peace… patience… kindness… goodness…
faithfulness… gentleness… self-control…

And that fruit can then pour out of me.

I can meet that child with understanding and acceptance — not acceptance of their behaviour or actions — but for who they are: loved and cherished. So we can figure out the why of their choices, together.

And then I don’t feel like a complete failure or hypocrite. It’s still a work in progress. But I’m finally feeling hope and freedom in this parenting journey.

What’s in the Ears

If you decide to try counting the fruit, would you let me know? Have you got any good parenting tips that have surprised you with mild or wild success? Message me or comment below!

*Podcast version on Spotify or Anchor!

A Seat at the Table

Published on by tinavila202 Comments

*Check out the podcast version on Spotify or Anchor!

This phrase is trending hard as social, political, and racial unrest continues to challenge the status quo.

Who deserves a seat at the table? Who doesn’t? Who owns the table? Who decides who gets a seat? Can I just build my own table – with my own set of standards and conditions of merit?

Let’s cool it for a sec, and remember that actually… NO ONE deserves a seat at the table!

No one is right with God. Not. Even. One.

– Romans 3:10

Now, there’s a story in 2 Samuel about a special seat, at a special table that I really think is worth exploring.

It takes place long after David slays Goliath, and after King Saul turns on David and tries to have him killed. Our story begins after David is finally crowned king of Israel himself.

Our new king asks a question. It’s a simple question, and we may not even pay it much heed. But he asks:

“Is anyone in Saul’s family still alive—anyone to whom I can show the kindness of God for Jonathan’s sake?”

2 Samuel 9:1

I had to ask myself, why is this on his radar? Why does David feel compelled to show God’s kindness to Saul’s family? And what would that even look like?

Here’s the lowdown:

  • First of all, he wasn’t actually compelled, because…
  • It was not out of guilt or obligation.
  • And it wasn’t even about Saul at all!
  • He was committed to a covenant promise he made to his friend, Jonathan. That’s it.

In 1 Samuel 20:14-15, Jonathan had pleaded with David to promise to show his family kindness even after Jonathan passed.

So now, David’s on a mission. He is determined to keep this covenant promise to his dear friend. And even though Jonathan isn’t around to benefit from it, or even know about it, he will not be swayed.

Finally, David finds Mephibosheth, Jonathan’s son. He was crippled after a tragic childhood accident, and could no longer walk. He was in hiding out of fear of what David might do if he was discovered.

Mephibosheth was terrified of David for two reasons:

  • He was the grandson of David’s rival and enemy, King Saul
  • His very existence was a threat to David’s throne and rule

So this is not an unreasonable concern or irrational fear. Because under normal circumstances, a new king would do everything in his power to eliminate any threat to his throne as well as any remnant of a former dynasty.

Mephibosheth was absolutely both of those things.

Instead of focusing on himself and his fear, he should have focused on who David was: the rightful king, fulfilling a covenant promise to his father, Jonathan.

Because David followed God, the kindness of God that David wanted to bestow on Jonathan’s family was a direct outpouring of the kindness that he had received from God first.

So what does David do when he finds Mephibosheth?

He doesn’t kill him or exile him. He doesn’t torture him or punish him.

David responds with compassion:

He tells Mephibosheth to not be afraid.
He restores to Mephibosheth all of the land that belonged to Saul.
He gives Mephibosheth a seat at the king’s table for the rest of his days.

This meant that David didn’t just allow Mephibosheth to inherit what had previously belonged to his family…

But through David’s extravagant generosity, Mephibosheth was invited into the king’s inner circle, and he and his household were provided for, for the rest of their lives!

Let’s consider how we might relate to this story.

Do you want a seat at God’s table? Do you, like Mephibosheth, see yourself as an enemy of God?

Isaiah 30:18 says that, God is full of mercy and rises to show you compassion…. not because of righteous things you’ve done, as we find in Titus 3:5, but because of His great love.

I hate to break it to you, but we don’t deserve that seat. We just don’t.

Because of the inherent sin we possess from birth, we are disqualified from a seat at the table.

Just as Mephibosheth whose grandfather, Saul, tried to have David killed, Romans 5:10 says that we were God’s enemies.

But as David made a covenant to Jonathan, which had absolutely nothing to do with the evil in Saul’s heart… so too did God make a covenant to His people that overrides the sin in our hearts.

In addition, David’s covenant did not hinge on the actions of Jonathan’s descendants: namely, Mephibosheth who was hiding out of fear of David and his own personal shame.

So in the same way, any ongoing shortcomings we may continue to raise as a barrier between us and God, do not affect the extravagant generosity of God’s covenant and the offer of a seat at His table.

Like Mephibosheth, we need our King to rescue us. We are poor, lame, weak, and fearful. We cannot save ourselves. We desperately need the kindness of God extended to us through His hand of restoration, redemption, and forgiveness.

But let’s not settle too comfortably into the seat of the helpless victim.

For we are not just Mephibosheth in this story – an enemy of the king. If you’re like me, and you’ve recognized your own poverty and need of a Saviour, then we can’t stop the story there.

Friend, you and I are also King David in this story! And he was known as a man after God’s own heart.

David’s actions here are like the ultimate pro tip on kindness.

How can we, like David, use our influence to fulfill the covenant promise we make as believers? How can we show God’s kindness to others, inviting them to sit at His table?

Here’s a page out of David’s book:

  • Seek out those in need of God’s kindness
    This required work on David’s part! Mephibosheth didn’t run to David for saving. David sought him out, not the other way around. Let’s not assume that because there’s no one in need at our door step, that there’s no one in need at all.

The Son of Man has come to seek out and to give life to those who are lost.”

– Luke 19:10

As followers of Jesus, we’re invited to be part of that mission and do the same! Because the fields are ripe for harvest, but the workers are few. (Matthew 9:37)

  • Bless those who don’t deserve it. Even our enemies.
    Ok, enemies is a strong word, and maybe you look around and don’t notice any. But surely you know people who rub you the wrong way… with whom you strongly disagree… whose lifestyle or life choices is perplexing to you at best.

    Mephibosheth was an enemy and a threat to David’s throne, but David’s relationship with Mephibosheth’s father, Jonathan meant more to David than that. And the covenant they shared was more important than any threat to David himself.

    Are we similarly committed to our own role in the covenant promises of God to show kindness to a world that needs it?

I close the best way I know how. By quoting a different Saul – who turned Paul, from Romans 12:9-21:

What’s in the Ears

In reflection… do you feel yourself unworthy of a seat at the King’s table? Mephibosheth certainly did! In fact, in verse 8 he asked David why he’d concern himself with a dead dog such has himself? Those are strong words!

Although we are undeserving, God has sought us out and offers us a seat at His table through His Son, Jesus. In gratitude of the kindness God has shown us, let’s consider how we may show the kindness of God to others in turn.

Have you got any thoughts on this you’d like to share? Send me a message or comment below!

*Check out the podcast version on Spotify or Anchor!

Too Much and Not Enough

Published on by tinavila20Leave a comment

Confession: I don’t know what it is about 7pm, but once it strikes, I hit a wall and can no longer parent. It’s like I’m a character out of Cinderella who’s out past curfew and turns into a pumpkin.

Being a stay-at-home parent means you’re ON for your kids at all times. And with one kid who isn’t a lover of sleep, it means we sure do see lots of each other during all hours of the day and night.

By the time we’re finished with dinner, I have a hard time even being around my kids. Is that TMI? My tank is empty. I’ve reached my limit and I have nothing left. I just can’t seem to be enough for them.

*Disclaimer, my kids are freakin’ awesome. They may feel like too much, but they’re really not. They’re just regular kids, with regular needs. However, I am a human mama with human limitations. I don’t have boundless energy or infinite patience. Even on my best days, my kids can feel like way too much! And I can often feel like I’m not enough.

Regular kids + mama with limits = high chance of not being enough for them.

**Disclaimer 2: I know I can also be a little much. Being married to an introvert, I’ve learnt that when my husband has had a difficult day, I can be a little overbearing with my questions, requests and anecdotes.

It requires a conscious effort on my part to Tone. It. Down! and not be overbearing, demanding, naggy, clingy, desperado… ya know, all the most sought after qualities every man loves in his lady.

But it doesn’t stop there, folks!

Being too much or not enough is a struggle in many relationships dynamics.

Take friendships: we can all think of that one needy friend – hey, maybe you are that friend!

That one person who never seems to get enough of your time or attention. Who needs more of you than you can give, or are willing to give!

With unhealthy boundaries, we can feel like we’re stretched too thin in meeting the demands of our time and relationships.

We can feel like we’re either too much for some people, or not enough for others. To some, we may feel like a burden or a nuisance. While to others, no matter what we do or how much we give, it’s never enough.

This is the tension we all have to manage as people created with limitations in our time and mental capacity. We simply cannot be all things to all people (Scripture taken out of context, don’t @ me!).

He loves me. Even when I’m annoying and clingy!

To find any success in these areas, I humbly propose the following:

  • Recognize the struggle
  • Put healthy boundaries in place to manage time and responsibilities
  • Ask God for His empowering strength to face each day and its demands
  • And voilà! You win at life!

Ok, ok I’m obviously making ridiculous mom jokes. But the truth is that the heart of this blog post isn’t about boundaries, tips on time management, healthy vs. toxic friendships, or anything else like that.

What I’ve come to realize is this: our culture of unrealistic expectations means that we can so easily feel suffocated by the needs of others. Or on the flip side, we can feel the pressure to shrink ourselves in order to not be so overbearing.

Whichever side you tend to lean on, neither gives us a healthy view of God. That’s what I really want to shed light on here, and that’s the real tragedy of this whole thing.

Allow me to make a few things clear:

  • You will NEVER be too much for God.
  • You will NEVER be not enough for God (excuse the double negative, I’m making a point).
  • You will NEVER be misunderstood by God.
  • You will NEVER be a burden to God.
  • You will NEVER be annoying to God.
  • You will NEVER be insufficient to God.

Why? Because God is not like us! He doesn’t get tired. He doesn’t lose His patience. He doesn’t expect something from us that He knows we were never meant to give.

He doesn’t roll His eyes at our neediness. He doesn’t get exasperated at our worry. He doesn’t get frustrated with how long-winded our ramblings can be.

Yes, He disciplines those He loves (Hebrews 12:6) and He is angry at our sin (Isaiah 59:2).

But amazingly, God—so full of compassion—still forgives us! He covered over our sins with His love, refusing to destroy us all. Over and over He holds back His anger, restraining wrath to show us mercy.

Psalm 78:38 (narrative edit by me)

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by the people who overwhelm me, I have to consciously remind myself that God doesn’t get overwhelmed by me. He doesn’t need a break from me. He doesn’t get His fill or reach His limit of “Tina time”.

Because the Lord longs to be gracious to me; therefore He will rise up to show me compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!

Isaiah 30:18
Sweet scooter gang

Where do you go to fill up when you’re empty? Who could ever truly be enough for you when you’re just not enough?

1 I look up to the mountains—
    does my help come from there?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth!
3 He will not let you stumble;
    the one who watches over you will not slumber.
4 Indeed, He who watches over Israel
    never slumbers or sleeps.
5 The Lord Himself watches over you!
    The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
    and watches over your life.
8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
    both now and forever.

– Psalm 121
  • God is always always always available to us. ALWAYS! (Hebrews 4:16)
  • He created us for Himself! For the sole purpose of being in relationship with Him. (Romans 11:36)
  • He is fully aware of all our limitations and toxic traits, and they do not deter him from us. (Hebrews 4:15)
  • He knows every little thing about us, and still loves us completely. (Psalm 139 – all of it! Read it with fresh eyes when you need the reminder that God doesn’t think you’re too much or not enough.)
  • When we put our faith in His Son, Jesus, we are covered by Him, and can have full access to fountain that never runs dry. (John 4:14)

When you’ve been burnt enough times by people who want you to be less of yourself, or demanding more than you have to give, please please please – remember that Jesus is not like that. Yes, He asks us to lay down our lives to follow Him (Luke 9:23), but it’s so He can give us abundant life in return!

I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect —life in its fullness until you overflow!

– John 10:10

I’d say that’s a trade in our favour, friends! So when you feel hesitant to go to God with your frustrations, questions, qualms, and needs – don’t! Don’t feel hesitant! He’s not burnt out by you. He has more for you than you could ever need.

What’s in the Ears

This week we’re showcasing not 1, but 2 songs!

The first was an obvious choice and truly ministers to the heart.

This is a perfect song for our topic too! It’s a recent release and the whole album is really powerful.

Talk to me, friend! Do you ever feel like you’re too much or not enough for your people?
Where does this land for you? Do you ever project those feelings onto God? Let me know in the comments or send me a DM!