Tag: parenting

Count the Fruit

Published on by tinavila209 Comments

*Podcast version on Spotify or Anchor!

“Count to 10. Just breathe… and count to 10.”

Have you tried that? Well, I have. Many times. I’ve flaunted my counting skills plenty without much to show for it. I was no less angry, and no more calm than when I started. Just another confirmation that I can in fact count from 1 to 10. And most of the time… I couldn’t even get to 10 because my blood might have just boiled over first.

Mom rage. It’s real. It’s that moment after you’ve asked them calmly to stop 6 times in a row with not even the faintest acknowledgement of your words. Then you’re seeing red and feeling very disrespected in your own home by a bunch of people half your size… Ok, who’s the boss around here? Who’s raising these kids? Because there’s no way I’d let my kids get away with this! Except oops! They are my kids… and they’re absolutely getting away with it.

That picture might make you think of 10 ways I’m getting it wrong, or 10 more things you would do differently. And you could be right! But that’s not really the point.

I’m not writing this to share parenting advice. I’m not selling you anything, and I’m not trying to debate parenting models.

I’m just saying: I struggle. It’s hard. And sometimes I feel trapped by the very thing I wanted more than anything – my family.

I hate to give you a mental image of me that’s anything less than the picture of perfection. As much as we want to appear real and authentic, it’s terrifying to be that vulnerable in such a public setting. So I won’t go into further details because that won’t bless anybody. But it’s worth noting that as much as I love sharing my highlight moments, lots of things about parenting are a lowlight challenge for me. And I suspect they are for you too.

We may not struggle with the same things, or in the same ways, but we’re all imperfect people trying to do life perfectly. Well, it’s just not that easy.

Then it hit me…

A few months ago, I was praying through the fruit of the Spirit. You know…

  • love
  • joy
  • peace
  • patience
  • kindness
  • goodness
  • faithfulness
  • gentleness
  • self-control

You can find them in Galatians 5:22-23.

I have prayed through the list for years, pleading with God to make each of these qualities a part of my life.

But in that moment, I sensed Him telling me to count them out. Just count the fruit.

In stressful moments, in angry moments, in tense moments, in overwhelming moments, in mundane moments. Count out the fruit of the Spirit. So I did. I tried it. And it changed everything!

Allow me to me explain…

Defiance and cruelty are triggers for me.

If a child is being willfully disobedient after clear instruction or correction, I tend to lose it.

We all make mistakes. Kids are kids and their brains are not fully developed, blah blah… so I can usually make allowances for dumb stuff they do without realizing.

But if they are explicitly told not to? If they were corrected in their behaviour or actions and still continued down the same path? Ohhhhhhhhhhh dang, good luck to that kid because I CANNOT with disobedience and defiance.

That, and cruelty. When my kids are cruel to each other (and it happens, I ain’t raising angels), I have very little patience for this. I know it’s all part of being human since we’re all selfish and self-serving. But being cruel, just to be cruel, makes me super angry. And the result isn’t pretty.

So these are the scenarios where I need the Lord’s strong arm of intervention, because there’s a good chance we’ll all end up in tears if I gave in to my flesh.

And therein lies the problem. Where do my reactions come from? What’s at the root of my response? Is it God’s Spirit in me? Or is it my own selfish flesh?

Romans 7:15-20 talks about doing what we don’t want to do. Case in point: I don’t want to yell at my kids. But I do.

So rather than counting to 10, which has been useless to me, I now count the fruit.

When I’m confronted with defiance towards me, or cruelty towards each other, I recite the fruit of the Spirit and something incredible has been happening…

The blood-boiling, rage-inducing moment subsides as I say:

love… joy… peace… patience… kindness… goodness…
faithfulness… gentleness… self-control…

I have literally felt my anger melt away. And the culprit in front of me who was driving me crazy, making me want to rip my hair out…?

Well somehow I’m left staring at that child through the eyes of Almighty God. I’m filled with compassion, empathy, and God’s love for this kid. I’m reminded of how precious and loved they actually are.

And I can parent with a cool head.

Friends, I wish you could see my face as you take in these words. This is legit. I have never, ever, E-V-E-R found success in keeping a cool head in parenting through moments that push my buttons HARD. It’s just not in me.

Maybe it’s my passionate Greek blood. Maybe it’s because I’m selfish and I want things to go my way. Whatever it is, counting to 10 wasn’t doing it.

So what is it about the fruit of the Spirit?

I’ve learnt this: it’s not about trying hard enough to do the right thing, because under pressure, the mouth speaks what the heart is full of (Luke 6:45). When my heart is full of rage, rage comes out.

So I meditate on the fruit of the Spirit. I ask God to fill me with His Spirit, so that from the overflow of my heart, I can speak:

love… joy… peace… patience… kindness… goodness…
faithfulness… gentleness… self-control…

Because when we’re rooted in God, the fruit of the Spirit naturally flows out of us.

How do we remain rooted in God?

  • Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you – James 4:8
  • If you remain joined to me, and I to you, you will bear a lot of fruit. – John 15:5
  • The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him. – 2 Chronicles 16:9
  • Keep your mind focused on what’s above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2
  • Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about these things. – Philippians 4:8
  • Be unceasing and persistent in prayer. – 1 Thessalonians 5:17

That last one was the real game-changer for me. I now spend much of my day just running through the fruit of the Spirit in my mind. While chopping lettuce, folding laundry, sweeping the floor… I just count that fruit as a prayer. Asking God to fill me with His Spirit. So that when another trigger episode comes, I’m already in a mental state of…

love… joy… peace… patience… kindness… goodness…
faithfulness… gentleness… self-control…

And that fruit can then pour out of me.

I can meet that child with understanding and acceptance — not acceptance of their behaviour or actions — but for who they are: loved and cherished. So we can figure out the why of their choices, together.

And then I don’t feel like a complete failure or hypocrite. It’s still a work in progress. But I’m finally feeling hope and freedom in this parenting journey.

What’s in the Ears

If you decide to try counting the fruit, would you let me know? Have you got any good parenting tips that have surprised you with mild or wild success? Message me or comment below!

*Podcast version on Spotify or Anchor!

The Holy Mundane

Published on by tinavila20Leave a comment

*Check out the podcast version on Spotify or Anchor!

This is my life. This is the tension in which I live. The desperate desire to live in what scholars refer to as the sacred.

The spaces and places and moments and actions that we believe are dedicated to God and pleasing to Him as holy.

On my ideal day, this is what sacred or holy looks like:

  • Bible reading
  • blog research
  • blog writing
  • Bible study prep
  • leading Bible studies
  • listening to podcasts or sermons
  • listening to worship music
  • prayer or meditation
  • attending church with my people

Basically, a dream day!

And then, lurking in the corner as a constant pull and vying for my attention is the mundane. Or what scholars refer to as the secular.

The average secular day looks like this:

  • feed kids multiple times in the day
  • errands with kids
  • chauffeuring kids to school, extracurriculars, and various activities
  • make all the meals
  • laundry, laundry, laundry!
  • work calls and emails

Cheers to the secular.

Sacred splash pad

I hope that sharing my own experience, and how I’m learning to manage this tension will be a blessing to you in your own journey.

I recently read The Pursuit of God by A. W. Tozer, and he says this:

These secular tasks we often do reluctantly and with many misgivings, often apologizing to God for what we consider a waste of time and strength. The upshot of this is that we are uneasy most of the time. We go about our common tasks with a feeling of deep frustration, telling ourselves reflectively that there’s a better day coming when we will shake off this earthly shell and be bothered no more with the affairs of this world.

– A. W. Tozer

Friends, I can’t begin to express how deeply this resonated.

It’s not specifically about apologizing to God for not spending more time in sacred activities.

But I’m sure on a subconscious level, that I believe I’m somehow more pleasing to God, that my time is better spent, that I best fulfill my purpose, or that I am more worthy of His love when I toil away at my sacred passions.

Perhaps you’re like me and you grow resentful of time spent away from the things that make you feel closer to God. When really, He never meant for there to be a difference! On the contrary, He has always intended to meet us everywhere!

Sacred ball park day

As we navigate the tension between sacred and secular, we could not find a better model than Jesus for the best outlook.

By the end of Jesus’ life on earth — when all was said and done, and He ascended to the Father in Heaven, God accepted the offering of His life in its entirety.

Friends, please understand this with me, because it was truly a game-changer in how I view my own mundane, secular life.

God didn’t make a distinction between sacred or secular, between holy and mundane. In fact, in John 8:29, Jesus Himself said, I always do what pleases the Father.

If that was truly the case…

…then there’s no ranking of tasks, nor hierarchy of holiness!

All that Jesus did brought glory to God. And this was made possible because His whole life was dedicated to God’s glory. He didn’t engage in certain sacred activities with the subconscious thought that they were holier than others and therefore distinct in some way. The mundane, secular activities were therefore holy as well. All of it dedicated to God.

The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 10:31, that whatever you do – even eating and drinking! Do all of it for the glory of God.

Nothing is off limits. It’s all for Him! Every mundane task, even those we don’t like. No, especially those we hate! – They can be sacred acts of worship to God when we do them for His glory.

Sacred ice cream treat

Here’s another way to look at it:

In the Old Testament, the sacred place was the tabernacle, and later the temple, where God would meet with His people. The shekinah glory of God — the physical manifestation of God’s presence on earth, could only be seen and experienced in the sacred space: The Holy of Holies. The centre of the temple, where only the high priest could enter.

Then, John 1:14 says, The Word (Jesus) became flesh and dwelt among us. The original language for dwelt refers to setting up a tabernacle.

Friends, this means that Jesus Himself became the Holy of Holies on earth. His incarnation was the sacred space to meet with God. So when we walk with Jesus, and His Spirit indwells us, our whole lives are that sacred space too!

We no longer need to qualify for the priesthood to enter a sacred temple to meet with God. Even a religious establishment is not seen as more holy than your own kitchen or car.

Let’s go a step further

If the birth of The Church took place in the upper room of a house where Jesus’ followers were huddled together and waiting for what only God knew, then why not your upper room?

God filled that room, filled that space, filled their lives with the very sacred and Holy Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead.

It was a mundane, secular upper room. But it became holy ground when God showed up. And those ordinary people became sacred vessels of God’s Spirit. The holy mundane.

Sacred skate park

The Aggressive Faith

For us to realize this truth in our own lives, we have to be INTENTIONAL about how we view our mundane tasks. This calls for what Tozer refers to as aggressive faith:

We must offer all our acts to God and believe that He accepts them. Then hold firmly to that position and keep insisting that every act of every hour of the day and night be included in the transaction. Keep reminding God in our times of private prayer that we mean every act for His glory…. Believe that God is in all our simple deeds and learn to find Him there.

Friends, there’s nothing special about a holy task. Rather it’s that it is done to glorify a Holy God. So even reading the same stupid dinosaur book to my daughter, or playing yet another round of Guess in 10 with my boys can be holy. Because I do it for God’s glory.

  • I wipe noses for God’s glory.
  • I cut up apples for God’s glory.
  • I fold laundry for God’s glory.
  • I’m awoken in the middle of the night for God’s glory.
  • I break up fights for God’s glory.
  • I prepare meals for God’s glory.
  • I write an email for God’s glory.
  • I correct behaviour for God’s glory.

Because whatever I do, whether in word or action, I can do it all for God’s glory.

– Colossians 3:17 (my edits)
Sacred wonderment at God’s creation…
So what’s the difference?

I close with a final punch from Tozer

It is not what you do that determines whether your work is sacred or secular, it is the why you do it.

The motive is everything…. So as you perform your never so simple task, you will hear the voice of angels saying, “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory.”

What’s in the Ears

This is definitely not a worship song, but it’s a favourite. A classic from 1972 and actually quite sad! But it’s got a happy tune with a catchy beat and my family loves dancing to it. So for us, it’s sacred. And I guess that’s the whole point.

Do you view your own mundane, secular life as holy? Do you see it as sacred to God, for His glory? Please share your thoughts in the comments or send me a message.

If this spoke to you, share it!

*Check out the podcast version on Spotify or Anchor!