Welcome to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
The time of year when we remember the lives of babies gone too soon.

The title of this post is in reference to the term rainbow baby, and in case you don’t know…

A rainbow baby is the healthy baby born after the loss of another due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or other natural causes.

The implication is that the healthy baby that is born is a bright rainbow following the painful storm of loss that the mother has previously lived through.

So in honour of this special awareness month and my own beloved losses, I’ll be sharing parts of my journey, as well as recommendations on how to tread around the topics of fertility, family planning, and loss.

Only by God’s grace have I carried three babies to term, birthed them with only minimal complications, and have had the privilege of watching them grow and thrive. You can read about my 3 babies here. But this motherhood journey has brought some hard lows as well.

My Seasons of Loss

It was in January of 2012 that I took my first ever pregnancy test. I was late, which is usually what prompts the taking of such tests, and was very surprised to find a second line appear on that stick.

The weeks that followed have since become a blur to me. I do remember floating through my daily routine a little out of touch with reality because of the sheer joy of expecting a baby.

Unfortunately within a few weeks, I had some spotting, and then quite quickly lost the baby. It all happened so fast. I was shocked and disillusioned and felt lost.

I took a few days off of work because the thought of pulling myself together to teach teenagers the fundamentals of a properly structured research paper had me bursting into tears. I remember sitting in our apartment on the fourth floor (no elevator!) buried in as many blankets as I could find, and watching Friends reruns with my eyes barely open from tears and exhaustion. I wasn’t even pregnant long enough for anyone to know – including my own body! But loss is loss. And sometimes your soul feels it more than any other part of you.

I wasn’t even pregnant long enough for anyone to know – including my own body! But loss is loss. And sometimes your soul feels it more than any other part of you.

Shortly after that loss, I was blessed with a second pregnancy which I carried to term. Yay! When I was about six months pregnant, the due date of my first pregnancy came and went. It was so very gracious of God to allow me the gift of a full womb as I mourned the loss of an empty one so recently.

My firstborn son was born on New Year’s Eve, just weeks before the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. Making it a very happy new year indeed.

Another season, another loss

Fast forward a few years, and I was now a mama to two boys who are 18 months apart. Shortly after my second son turned one, the desire grew in me to try for another baby again, and hopefully complete our little family with a third child.

Well a couple more years went by after that, and month after month of regular monthly cycles raged on. When you’re longing for a baby, being greeted monthly by your period is more devastating than the usual monthly cycle symptoms us women are already accustomed to managing.

I shared some of this in another post about the backstory of my tattoo, which you can read here. But the gist of it is this:

In October 2016, I received what I personally considered to be the opportunity of a lifetime. I was asked to speak at an annual women’s retreat that my former church was putting on. In attendance would be approximately 150 women, and I had the privilege of teaching from the scriptures, as well as weaving my own story throughout my talk.

I spent six months praying and preparing; researching and writing. It was life-giving. If you know me personally, you know how much I love this kind of work.

During those six months of behind the scenes prep, I had a late period and discovered I was expecting! It was a very, very happy day because, like I said, I was waiting and praying and hoping for another baby for about two years already.

Then, just ten days before I was scheduled to hop on a train for the eight hour ride east, I started spotting and cramping…

It was on the occasion of my husband’s birthday that I paid a visit to the emergency room, desperate for some hopeful news. I spent hours and hours there, just waiting. I was finally seen, and thankfully had an ultrasound that very day. A heartbeat was detected, but there was some concern about the baby’s placement. The technician and doctor were not overly alarmed so my mind was set at ease ever so slightly.

Spotting throughout pregnancy is normal and fairly common, right?

What was agonizing for me leading up to this big speaking engagement, was the lack of answers. I remember wishing I could just know either way.

Am I losing this baby? Will everything be fine? I was ten days away from departure and they just couldn’t tell me a thing. The most they could do was give me a follow up appointment and ultrasound.

Both were scheduled for literally the day after I was to get back from my weekend away.

It all just felt like the worst timing ever. I couldn’t understand how this could all be happening at once. I remember thinking:

If this could’ve just been the disappointment of another monthly cycle like I’d been getting for the past two years…. well I could deal with that! I could cope with that! I know how to do that, and manage that!

But that’s just not how it unfolded…

I spent the eight hour train ride mostly in tears. While I had originally planned to go over my notes and rehearse my talk inaudibly on the train, I couldn’t bring myself to pull out a single sheet of paper.

Everything I spent the last six month preparing felt like chalk in my mouth.

Of course by the time I arrived, I pulled it together and went over everything I worked so hard to prepare. And the Lord reminded me that He is still good, even in unknown circumstances.

I leaned into Jesus that weekend and was given the strength and courage to share openly from the heart. It was still really difficult, and I still spent the whole weekend bleeding and cramping and crying. But I did it.

Time to face the music

It was really comforting to have so many women pray over me that weekend – for strength and courage, but also for healing and restoration for my baby. Unfortunately, the day after I got home I was given the news I hoped I would never hear again: the baby no longer had a heartbeat and I would be passing the remains within a few days.

At home after countless tears, and more blood, contractions, and medication than I care to live through again, we said goodbye to what might have been.

What I didn’t expect following my loss was the darkness that enveloped me.

I had such a hard time with basic life functions.

• Getting out of bed
• Caring for my family
• Seeing other people

It was all so overwhelming to me.

As a pastor’s wife, I didn’t really have the luxury to just skip out on church. But it was hard for me to see people! So I’d arrive late and leave early in order to avoid any anxiety-inducing conversation. But mostly to avoid bursting into tears. There were a lot of tears.

All of this came as a surprise. I hadn’t gone through anything this dark with my first miscarriage. It was like I couldn’t control what my mind was thinking. Like my body was just along for this dark, sad ride. And I couldn’t stop it.

This may not be widely known, but besides normal emotional responses to loss, like sadness and grief, the body suffering through miscarriage goes through the same hormonal responses that it would after birthing a full-term baby.

So if pregnancy news was kept private in the first place, the loss is often suffered in silence. With chemical and hormonal imbalances taking over without the mother’s consent or even full awareness.

A new chapter…

After a few months of this, I finally started to feel like myself again.

• Being out in public didn’t feel like such a daunting task
• Attending play dates where babies were present no longer sent me into a choking panic
• And I was able to attend church again without fear of bursting into tears

The truth is, I was filled with hope.

The Lord was so patient with me, so faithful to me. An ever-present help in my time of trouble. Even when I didn’t know what to do with myself or just how to function. He always knew what I needed in Him, and His presence was enough.

He never pushed. He never made me feel guilty. I needed time to mourn and rest and I did just that in His presence. And He mourned with me, and that was enough. At some point I had to choose joy in my circumstance before I could really feel it again. But over time I did. And I’m really grateful.

It was about four months after my miscarriage that I found out I was pregnant again. This time with our second rainbow baby. We gave her the name Joy for her middle name and she fills our home everyday with just that.
Ok, and a little bit of sass, too.

Before I sign off, I thought it would be worth sharing a few practical things you could do for someone who’s grieving the loss of a pregnancy, stillborn, or infant.

Try to avoid asking: What can I do to help?
It puts a lot of pressure on the grieving mother to express a request or need when she may not have the capacity to do even that.

Instead, try these:

• I’d like to bring you a coffee, what’s your order?
• I’d like to drop off a meal for your family, which of these days works best for you?
• I’d like to watch your kids for a few hours, what time of day do you prefer?
• Drop off gift cards for groceries, restaurants, manicures, etc.
• Flowers, if they like them
• Chocolate, always
• etc

*Frankly, this can apply to any scenarios where a loved one is grieving or just having a rough go.

**If you’re in a season of grief, and none of these appeal to you because you’d rather be left alone, then give yourself permission to say so when people get up in your business! I’m married to someone who wants his space when he’s going through a hard time, I’m the opposite! And both are totally fine.

Bonus tips!

I know I’ve been guilty of these myself. But my own experiences have made me more sensitive to these conversations. Learn from my mistakes!

• Don’t comment on a woman’s weight fluctuation
  This should be painfully obvious, but weight gain does not always = baby!
  And weight loss isn’t always welcomed. A woman struggling with infertility may have suffered a loss.
  The stress and strain of conceiving can also cause weight fluctuation.
  It’s just a sensitive topic all around!
  Life hack: if you need to say something, tell her she smells good!
  You’re welcome.
  
• Don’t ask a couple if they’re trying for a baby, or their second, or third, etc.
  You’re basically asking someone if they’re having unprotected sex.
  Is that really the conversation you want to have over Thanksgiving dinner aunt Berta? Let me answer that for you, NO IT IS NOT!
  If a couple wants to volunteer that information and is open to discussing it, then by all means… otherwise, you just don’t really know what struggle or pain you’re triggering in someone’s very intimate and personal relationship.
  

If you’re reading this and grieving your own loss, my heart breaks for you and I’m really sorry for what you’re going through.
May you take comfort, as I did, in knowing that God sees you, loves you, and grieves with you.

From my experience, there’s no quick fix to healing from a loss. But allowing people into your journey makes it much less lonely. If you’d like to talk through any of this, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I’d love to hear from you!

Lastly, if you’d like to share your thoughts, comments, or questions, send me a message or comment below!

[Alt. title] A Collaborative Mother’s Guide to Self-Care

I am still blown away by all the amazing entries and feedback on my last post (which you can read here: https://fromtheoverflow.home.blog/2020/06/26/the-mother-of-all-posts-a-post-on-motherhood/). This time around, I can’t wait for you to be inspired by what those same mothers do for self-care and to recharge. A few have also added their own words of wisdom which has been so valuable to me, and I am certain will bless you as well.

Here is my contribution to get us started:

I do a lot of things to recharge, but the common thread between them all is that my children are not around for any of my go-to options… unless we are doing something as a family and my husband can take the parenting lead.
For the best possible start to my day, I spend my mornings scripture-reading and prayer-journalling before my kids are up.
Reading historical novels, writing for this blog, or a binge-worthy series on Netflix help me unwind during evenings when I crave alone time.
Alternatively, an evening out with girlfriends, or date nights with my husband are my two favourite ways to fill up as an extrovert.

Read on for more from these incredible mothers…

To recharge I need time to myself, it doesn’t have to be doing anything special or specific. The second I close his door at nap time or bedtime, I so look forward to that.  I also take a bath almost every night, and have kept that up.

It is so important for me that I get a bit of time every morning to myself to spend in prayer and studying my Bible. Listening to a good parenting podcast or reading a good parenting book always helps me to refocus as well!

To recharge, I usually go see friends. I’m an extrovert, so seeing others and getting out, away from the kids, is how I refuel and get energized. This has been very difficult to do these past months obviously, so I’m feeling the strain and feel like I’m on the verge of burnout.

Hanging out with other parent friends! More specifically with those who have kids in the same age group and gender, and who share the same values.  I’m an introvert, but definitely need my social life. I feel sooooo much better when I don’t feel crazy. When another parent tells me they’re going through the same things as me, I’m less anxious about it. ‘Your daughter says that to you too!! Oh my gosh me too!! It drives me nuts!!’  Yes, misery loves company! I’m also a less angry mom when I realize that my daughter’s eye rolling is not a sign that I have failed as a mother.

Recharging doesn’t happen very often at moment as we’ve just moved house (I know- crazy!) but I do love to go on a walk or sit and enjoy some chocolate and TV with hubby! Changing into pyjamas definitely helps too!!!

To recharge I like to exercise. Walk, run, bike or do at home workouts. I also like to read, and have made more time for it this year. My one-on-one with hubby is also super important to me, so we make that a priority.

I try to find time for myself every night where I stop everything and just lay down, grab my iPad and watch a show with a glass of wine.

To recharge, I need to be by myself and have God realign my thinking and put my head on straight so I can function outside of my natural way of dealing with life.

Travel, travel, and travel! Before Covid-19, I would travel twice a year for a few days. To unwind, I like to sleep in and have a late breakfast. It’s such a luxury!

Making sure I get a good night’s sleep is the most important. It always helps when I’m reading a good book. Getting lost in a fiction novel is a good way for me to disconnect my brain from the real world if only for a chunk of time. Finding what really calms me (and taking the time to do it!) has been an exciting feat for me this year because it was necessary in order to balance my home and work life as I was having anxiety attacks. Here is my list (Right away I start with my daily meditation/prayer reading)
1- Going for a walk listening to my favourite music
2- Writing in my journal
3- Tidying up/organizing one small area of the house
4- Watching an episode of Seinfeld
5 – Reading a novel or Oprah magazine.

BONUS TIPS:
Every child is SO different, so no matter how many books you’ve read or courses you’ve taken, your children will always manage to throw major curve balls and challenge you in the areas you once thought you’d be an expert at! Ha! So being open to learning more and more everyday about each of my children has been a challenge and a blessing. Everyday we all learn something new… it’s an amazing adventure!

To recharge in the evenings, I usually take a bath, read a book, watch some Netflix or work on a sewing project. Last year a group of my mom friends/sewing group rented a cottage in the Alps. We spent the weekend sewing, eating, enjoying the views, and having great conversations. We all felt so refreshed and renewed that we have decided to make it an annual event.

Recharging? I’ll let you know when I figure it out… because I don’t actually think about recharging. At least I don’t think I do it intentionally. I know for me… when I’m stressed, I like to clean and organize. I feel a sense of relief and accomplishment when I do. I know that I have to find a better way to recharge…. and I will…. when I have the time. Lol.

Recharging? That is something I neglected for years. I was a mom at 24, and only at 36 could I honestly say I started doing things just for me! I recharge with actually scheduling self-care! I’ll go for a walk and listen to a podcast. I’ll get my nails done or go for a massage. The key is that I leaned not to feel guilty about it. Before that, even if I did these things, I felt guilty. Now recharging is a key part of motherhood for me.

Taking time alone, even if it’s a 5 minute tea/coffee break or a 30 minute walk. Doing something alone recharges my mind, soul and body. This has taken some time to do. I’ve felt guilty in the past by wanting alone time. But now I’ve realized it’s something I need in order to be a better mom and wife.

Alone time was what I needed at first. Now that the kids are older (11 and 13 years old), I have a lot more freedom to actually do the things I love, rather than strive for an hour alone in a hidden corner. It took me until the age of (gulp) 38 to realize that I deserve to fill my day with joy rather than simply carve out an empty hollow to breathe in for a minute. I don’t know if it was the kids getting older or me getting older. But this was an amazing realization. I deserve joy too!

I love to exercise and get outdoors and active with my family.

To recharge and stay encouraged in my journey as a parent, I do several things. I wake up before the kids to read a verse for the day and then listen to a devotional online while working out. It helps my mind get to a place of being the best mom I can be. Also, my mom and I have a tradition of having a “date” every few months. We usually spend the day shopping together, enjoy a nice lunch, and catch up on what’s happening in our lives. When I come back home to my family after a day with her, I always feel encouraged and motivated.

I like to recharge by getting back to the basics – baking bread, growing plants, taking walks in nature, reading books, and spending time with good friends. I like to spend time appreciating the simple things, working to put things in perspective, and practicing mindfulness regarding contentment and happiness. Pre-COVID, I loved going to restaurants sans kids.

Meditation is currently my recharging vice.

• I like to do my devotions at the top of morning (the kids are sometimes awake but I leave them in their rooms until I’ve done at least 20-30 mins of Bible reading/prayer)
• I usually like to nap even if it’s just 30 mins while my kids nap! (when I’m home/not working)
• I like to read, again, sometimes only 15-20 mins while the kids nap
• I like to watch TV at night with my husband for some down time
• I like to go out BY MYSELF even if it’s just to the grocery store or somewhere more exciting like Winners lol.

I wish I had known from the beginning how important self-care is. Since my earlier years of motherhood, I have experimented with several self-care practices. There are a few that are a good fit for me in this season of my life.
The first has to do with my appearance. I’m a people-pleaser and will put others needs before my own every single time. Starting my day taking care of my grooming is a way I can guarantee some “me” time. My skincare routine is just a simple way to remind myself that I’m worth the effort.
The second has to do with my passions. I love singing, always have. And this season of my life is no exception. I sing with a ladies ensemble in my community. The group has helped me so much. I’m safe there, and I can let my heart soar when I sing. Plus singing has some amazing physical and emotional benefits. Since the pandemic hit we have not been able to meet, so I’ve signed up for online voice training. There is an online community for us so we can get to know each other and encourage one another.
Thirdly, I sought help. I’ve had counselling, and even used medication. I was afraid of the stigma at first, but quickly realized that I was not super girl. I am so grateful to the friend who encouraged me to reach out for help.

Honestly, I most naturally turn to Netflix and desserts to recharge. While these do give me temporary comfort and relaxation, and I love them, they do little to recharge my soul, or give deep rest. Going to bed early, good talks with my husband, and time steeping in the Word of God are where I find that. We can’t give what we don’t have. When I try to give of my own cup, the feeling of running dry follows pretty quickly. So if I want to give my daughter and family selfless love, grace, patience, kindness, etc., I need to receive these first from God. And he gives in abundance when we take the time to let him fill our cups.

My favourite thing to do to recharge is to spend time with my husband. It doesn’t need to be an elaborate date or getaway either – although both of those sound lovely! It can be watching TV after the kids are asleep, going for a walk outside with the dog, or getting together with our friends. As much as I adore my kids, I think it’s so important to spend time just as husband and wife, too.

My most effective way to recharge are my worship walks or baths. Though truthfully I also run to Netflix and social media often to escape when it feels like a lot. But those outlets never actually recharge me.

I recharge by taking breaks during the day to get quick moments of satisfaction. This could be a phone or FaceTime call with someone, binge-worthy show, a drive listening to a podcast, and always good food and drinks. This can also be a negative as so many quick fixes to satisfaction aren’t healthy for mind or body but the higher quality things are more challenging lately (long periods of time with spouse or a friend / meal out / walk alone / vacation).

I’m pretty chatty in person, and have a talk-all-the-time kind of job with my Kinders, but I’m pretty introverted, so I recharge by spending time alone, usually doing some kind of art with the TV on in the background and my cats nearby. Or I take a walk with my mom and daughter, who are my very best friends.

My morning coffee and Bible on the deck recharges me. I also fill up from a walk, podcast, fiction novel, good chat on the phone, and a handful of chocolate chips.

Reading, praying, going for walks, spending time with my husband, friends and family, or just leaving the house for any reason, are all ways that I recharge.

Disclaimer: I wish I had more time to do any of the following things: exercising, going for a run, or taking part in a hot yoga class all fill me up. Recently, since spending more time at home, I’ve taken to reading more, which I forgot could also fill my soul. I’m an English teacher, so reading for pleasure is definitely a privilege that I don’t get too often. I have also had the opportunity recently to start playing the piano again. As a child and teenager I went to Grade 4 Classical Piano with the Royal Conservatory of Music and honestly have just abandoned it along the way to adulthood and motherhood. It’s been nice to tap back into these things slowly as the kids get a little older and a little more independent.

When I’m needing some “me” time, I arrange a day with the hubs where he’s free to cover the at-home duties. I head to the mall, armed with my journal and a good pen. I shop around a bit, and eventually stop for either coffee or lunch, pull out my journal, write, and people-watch. For me, this is totally refreshing!

I always need to decompress before bed and do something to take my mind off the next day’s tasks. This can be reading or watching my favourite shows. I also need to get out and see friends and do different things outside the house as a family or date nights to get a good balance and to spend some time away from home as I’m here so much! I also need some quiet time to recharge during the day. This is usually while my kiddos nap. When one kiddo was in school before Covid, I still took advantage of nap time to catch up on everything and still have energy for everything else in life that requires my time and attention. But with this new normal of both kiddos at home, taking the time to recharge is essential!!

What do I do to recharge? Quality time with my girlfriends! Oh, and naps! My friends and I try our best to spend a weekend together every now and then, or even an afternoon, and this does wonders for my mental health. Not all of us have kids so it’s nice to gather and talk about something other than motherhood. I also take naps and sleep in any chance I get. Thanks to a very supportive husband who knows that sleep recharges me.

To recharge as a mom, I MUST get up early. At least an hour before my kids, ideally. If I can have some alone time, get myself ready for the day, go for a little walk, spend a few minutes with Jesus, empty the dishwasher…. my day is 100% better. If I wake up at the same time as my kids, I feel like I am always trying to catch up and it’s much more stressful. I don’t have a strict morning routine where I do the exact same things in the same order each morning, it’s always different. As long as I have some time to myself before they need me, I’m OK.

How do I recharge? I find the thing that has made the biggest impact in my life is to set an alarm and get up before my kids every morning. This way I get to take a shower, make some tea, light a candle, and start some sort of quiet time before they wake up. I really enjoy going for a walk and listening to my favourite podcasts once the kids go to bed at night or try to enjoy a tea in the afternoon while the kids have quiet time. Being able to connect with friends is also a way that I recharge.

TO RECHARGE, I TRY TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY OR JUST SPEND TIME BY MYSELF, REFLECTING ON THE GOOD THINGS I’VE DONE AS A MOM AND THANKING JESUS FOR BLESSING ME WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL, SMART CHILDREN. ALSO DIVING INTO A GOOD NETFLIX SERIES, AFTER THE KIDS GO TO BED, IS DEFINITELY A GREAT WAY TO RECHARGE!!

When tired and overwhelmed I try to read, and I love to sleep. I don’t have a big social circle and don’t like to speak about my worries to friends. My husband is my best friend and together we always talk things out. This always helps recharge me as I am never feeling alone when with him. My two very good high school friends are also excellent mind-readers and love to call me out when they feel I have stretched myself too thin, or am, in fact, losing myself in my role as a mom. We plan a weekend trip once a year and regardless of the state I am going into on our mini getaway, I always come back feeling recharged!

Time alone – whether going on walks, reading, playing piano, doing a short devotional or prayer time,  enforcing daily quiet time where all the kids are either napping, reading or watching something so that I can catch my breath and reorganize my thoughts.

Although I am becoming more of an extrovert, I am ultimately very much an introvert. I recharge by taking time alone to do my hobbies and talk to Jesus or with quiet one on one quality time and conversation with my husband or trusted confidante. I have a tendency to overanalyze almost everything so talking to someone who truly knows my heart helps me sort my thoughts and bring peace to my chaos.

To recharge, I very much need the hour or two after our daughter goes to bed to just sit and not be needed for anything. That’s when Dave and I get to have time together. Or if he’s working, that’s when I can actually read a book or just crawl into bed and relax.

Running! Over the last several weeks some friends and I started a run club with other women in my neighborhood. It’s seriously the best. Not only does it keep me accountable, but I’ve loved being challenged to run longer distances! We’re planning to train for a half marathon later this year. So, we’ll see!! I also have gotten into using Good Reads and utilizing our public library! 👌🏻

My morning routine is absolutely essential to a good day. Once I had kids, I had to find times to exercise, spend time with God, and recharge, that weren’t going to interfere with family or work life. For me, that meant getting up before the sun. Each morning I spend time exercising, reading my Bible, and connecting with God. Sometimes I can combine these things in an early morning run, and other times I meet friends at the gym at 5:30am (there are more of us than you know) and get a bit of social time in. These things fuel my day.

The best way for me to recharge at the end of the day used to be going to a kickboxing class. Being physically out of the house was the best way for me to clear my mind, and just spend that hour or two doing my own thing. I found exercising to be a great tool for me to recharge and even unwind, but with the current circumstances going for walks is the best alternative right now for me to recharge.

As a mom, I feel it is very important to allow time to recharge and regenerate. It makes me a better mom, a better wife, and a better person. During this time of COVID, I have found this a difficult task. I have found myself feeling guilty for asking for time alone. Feeling guilty for not being the best at doing school work, for allowing too much screen time, for not spending enough time outside, the list is endless. I allowed my personal time to fall to the wayside as my quest for perfection in these areas increased. This lead me down a road of increased anxiety and depression. I needed to get back to who I used to be before COVID started. I started to giving myself some extra allowances in these areas. I needed to recharge myself so I could be better for my family. I have slowly gotten back into my routine of daily workouts. The one hour I take for myself has helped improve my mood, and therefore helped my coping skills with all the added stressors. I believe it is important as moms to demonstrate self care to our children. They watch us everyday and learn habits, both good and bad, from us.

Lately to recharge, I have been going for walks in the evening while listening to worship music or a podcast. I know it sounds basic but it’s been such a great time to clear my mind and quiet myself without any distractions.

Working out is my way of recharging. I enjoy weight lifting, being at the gym, and doing workout classes with other moms. I cherish that time for myself away from the kids doing something that I love that keeps me healthy and energized. I definitely need it to keep up with my boys!

Skincare is definitely my go-to for unwinding. Just being able to close the bathroom door and be alone is a treat! Because as mothers we know that going to the bathroom by ourselves is not an easy feat. Although we love our kids; having that quiet space to do something we enjoy, or brings us joy, is very special – even if it’s just fifteen minutes.

I recharge many ways:

• getting enough sleep at night, and I often a nap for 30-45 minutes while my 19 month old naps
• read or listen to the Bible and pray/praise God
• have my husband watch our son while go on jogs and occasionally when I spend time with other moms (less often now due to the pandemic)
• get ready in the morning so I feel nice
• Netflix evenings with my husband
• monthly date nights

What I do to recharge? Hmm. I honestly don’t get time away from the kids, no babysitters or anything… and no date nights, ever! But we go on walks or hikes together to relax. I also have some free time once the kids are asleep to watch shows or binge on junk food! During the day to relax I turn on Hillsong Worship and just let it fill the house – singing and hearing the powerful lyrics really calms and uplifts me.

BONUS TIPS:
Get plugged in. We move every 3 years and the first year is always pretty depressing and lonely for me. New area, unfamiliar roads, no friends, no home church, no sense of community, etc. Luckily I’m a social butterfly and enjoy meeting new people and go out of my way to do so. Even still, it does get tiring and it’s a lot of effort to “mom-date,” but totally necessary for your mental health! I find and join several mom groups in person and over Facebook (in the area I’m in), church groups, library events… anything! I meet a bunch of people in hopes of finding those select few that you really connect with and bonus if your husbands and kids connect too! Not having a home church is especially hard in the beginning as well, so definitely finding a church you can grow in, connect with other believers, serve with, and receive care and prayer from is a huge must.

With my first baby everything was new. Learning how to function with little sleep, breastfeeding, and a new routine, so for me, recharging was often just sitting down with a cup of coffee and watching something that would make me laugh – often my go-to was The Office. I find it really important to just have a good laugh once a day. With my second baby, she was the easiest baby but a very heavy sleeper (not complaining about that!) however it made it difficult to be able to leave the house, so after 6 months of being home all the time it can really get to you. I started carving out time for myself and going to the gym. I found this very helpful for me mentally and physically. That little bit of time at the gym was my time, and it allowed me to leave the house and be in a different environment.

BONUS TIPS:
To all new moms, and seasoned ones, motherhood is hard! We have tough days and easy days, and I find it helpful to talk about the hard days with my mommy friends. It’s always reassuring to know I’m not the only one having a bad day. Truth is sometimes we need to be told that we’re doing a good job. So to the mom who’s reading this now , you’re doing a good job, you got this!

Anytime I manage to be either alone or with adults is hugely refreshing. Alone time might look like a walk around the neighbourhood or hiding in my room with tea and a book. Adult interaction might look like a weekly Bible Study, a girls night, dinner with another couple or just chatting with my husband. It’s all good and it’s all a brain-break from the usual household frenzy.

Being home with little kids means that I am rarely: 
1. alone 
2. with adults. 
I paint. I decorate. I listen to podcasts. I let myself be free and creative and in my zone. I get my husband to take the kids away (haha) and enjoy the quiet. I’m such an introvert and sometimes the constant talking in our house does a number on me. When I can just be quiet and hone in on my gifts, it reminds me that not only am I ‘Mom’, I’m also Cyndy!

The things I do to recharge change throughout the course of a year. It depends on the season and what is going on at the time in our week/ month/ year. I like to read and I feel recharged when I can find time to sit and read. My husband and I love going on dates, either for dinner, skiing, out for a nice drive, out for coffee or a walk in the neighbourhood. I also enjoy spending time with girl friends chatting and laughing.

BONUS TIPS:
Your identity is rooted in who God says you are and your worth, through His eyes. Your identity is not dependent on the success of your kids, your marriage, or the amount of money and stuff you have.
– Stop comparing yourself against the social media accounts of other moms. Social media accounts are the highlight reel and public face of someone’s life. It is not the everyday reality.
– Your relationship with your spouse matters as much now as it will when all of the kids have moved out of the house. Work hard at your relationship today.
– Take a step back to enjoy the blessings and highlights of each season.

I try to find some ‘me’ time. I spend some time alone and do the things that I enjoy. I read a book, I watch tv. I sometimes sit outside on my patio and enjoy the fresh air and the stillness around me. Sometimes with a drink in my hand (with a splash of alcohol lol).

To recharge, I enjoy long, meaningful talks with my mom, sister, and close friends about heart matters. I also enjoy evenings alone sitting at Starbucks, journaling and reading. Just time, really. Time alone. Out and about… or alone in the house with no kids so that I can have mind space, and a break from the weight, and the every moment angst.

To recharge, I exercise, journal, and spend time with friends. If those 3 things are lacking, I struggle hard!

Recharging during the pandemic has been very hard. I like to spend some time each afternoon laying on my bed listening to a podcast. Pre-pandemic, time with friends was often how I recharged. Dinner, a walk, coffee, a short trip. Time with my adult people is all I need to recharge.

I don’t do a lot right now to recharge because with three kids at home my time to recharge is usually after they are in bed. Once they are in bed, I spend a couple hours working on my Master’s degree or doing chores that need to be done. However, I am lucky to have a supportive husband who recognizes that I sometimes need a break from everything. So getting together with friends (often other moms) for a glass of wine or a walk are ways I like to recharge. I also like reading, so I try to read a chapter or two of a book before bed. I also try to workout 4-5 times a week. And I used to try to meditate, even for a short period of time, and write in my journal everyday. I haven’t really been doing those things lately, but I should start again. They were great ways to release any stress or anxiety I was feeling.

BONUS TIPS:
The one thing I would probably share with other moms is that whatever you’re doing for your kids, as long as it’s keeping you sane and not hurting anyone, it’s the right thing. If you want to feed them PB & J sandwiches for dinner, do it. I used to have a bedtime snack of chips and Pepsi when I was a kid. And I turned out fine. Your sanity is more important than trying to be the “perfect” mom. There’s no such thing as the perfect mom. Just do your best, don’t be too hard on yourself, and know that whatever you are doing is enough.

As a stay at home home for the last six years, it has taken me some time to figure out what recharges me. I think the biggest learning I have had has a mom is to realize that my kids don’t need me 100% of the time, and it is good, even healthy, to have time apart. Mom guilt can be so real. Learning to take time away has been a learning process! Recharging for me is a long walk, a phone call with a friend or sometimes just sitting to journal uninterrupted. Whatever it is, I have realized the incredible value it brings to me and my entire family, and therefore prioritizing that time is one of the most important things I strive to do as part of a regular routine.

I don’t know about you, but I am feeling refreshed just reading all these. I’m reminded of the incredible value of taking time for self-care and to recharge as mothers. And not just for ourselves, but for the benefit of our families as well!

Care to share your own self-care routine or recharging regimen? I’d love to hear from you!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know what an intense season we’re all currently living in. Because of this, I’ve been experiencing some writer’s block as I started putting together this week’s post.

You see, I’ve already shared all I want to on the Coronavirus, which you can read here: https://fromtheoverflow.home.blog/2020/04/08/coronavirus-confinement-one-womans-story/, and I’m not ready to share my thoughts on racial inequality just yet. Especially as a white chick, it’s just not my place to talk right now, but listen. Still, I want to be clear that I firmly stand with my Black brothers and sisters and fully support the fight for racial and social equality.

So what does that leave me with? Too many thoughts, and just can’t seem to narrow them down.
Well, I did what any clever writer would do, and this is: to outsource! I decided to write about motherhood. And since most of my readers identify as such, I asked some of you to share your thoughts on the topic.
For those who contributed, I am forever indebted to you for humouring me and this little blog. For sharing your stories, and sharing your hearts, and allowing me the honour of using this tiny platform to put it all out there.
Those who contribute to this post answered the following questions:

• What is the hardest part about motherhood?
• What do you do to recharge?

Because I want to honour the contributions of each mother, I’ve chosen to break up this topic into two posts. This post will focus ONLY on what’s difficult about motherhood. To read about what moms do to recharge, stay tuned for my next post!

Also, I just love how easily our shared experiences can resonate with people from all over the world.
Here are the various locations that my contributors call home!

• Austria
• California
• Connecticut
• Essex County
• Kitchener
• Montreal
• New York City
• Nova Scotia
• Oregon
• Ottawa
• Saskatchewan
• Scotland
• South Africa
• Switzerland
• Texas
• Toronto

*IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: These contributions are anonymous and not directly linked to the photos you see above or below them.

Without further ado, please read on for the thoughtful contributions from mothers I respect and admire. I’ve included my own response here:

On a practical level, motherhood just doesn’t come as naturally to me as I thought it would. My children range from ages 2-7 years and so far these ages are pretty damn needy! To be frank, I just don’t like that. Since I’m a stay-at-home mom, my daily battle all the live-long-day is laying down my own interests, desires, and preferences in order to meet the needs of my children.
Now, I’m not as selfless or servant-hearted as I should be, by any means. Those closest to me know that my kids are responsible for their own breakfast, cleaning up after the toddler, and doing everyone’s laundry. So while I’d rather spend my days, reading, eating, and blogging, I am forced to go against my natural inclinations and focus primarily on my children every day instead. I then inevitably fight guilt for not being more naturally drawn to the role of motherhood. As well as feeling guilty because motherhood just isn’t “enough” for me as I long to fill my days with more than just the kids.

The hardest parts for me about motherhood are the guilt and the worry. I feel guilty that I am not properly dividing my time amongst the kids. I feel guilty when I am a lazy mom and give the girls my iPad to play with when I need a break, rather than set them up with an activity. I feel guilty when I think I am not living up to the highlight reels shown on social media… Pretty much if there is a reason to feel guilty, then I feel it. And if I am not feeling guilty, I’m worrying. Am I doing enough as a mom to prepare my kids for life outside my house? Am I teaching them the values that Chris and I want them to learn in the best way possible? Am I giving them enough freedom to learn to be independent without unleashing them to the world too early? Are they going to be okay in school? Will they make smart choices? Oh my goodness, I could think of another hundred things that I worry about and really don’t have much control over. I love my kids so much, and I want to do all that I can so that they are happy and good kids.

There are two parts to this answer for me: 1) Accepting my need for space from my kid, without guilt! I’m an introvert so I get energized by having time to myself. I have a harder time accepting my introversion when it comes to my role as mother. 2) Fear: the shear amount of love you feel for your child… they are so much a part of you and for me, this comes with a lot of fear. Fear for their safety, health, wellbeing, and fear of letting go as they get older… the list goes on.

Wanting to protect your child from everything and anything, but also knowing that you can, and should, shelter only so much.  It’s so hard to watch their little hearts break, or learning harder lessons in life. 

• Feeling like I don’t have enough time with them since I work full time.
• Learning patience. I often get upset with them and start snapping when my patience is running thin.

Balance is the hardest. Balance in spending time with both my children. Doing activities with the eldest whilst the little one sleeps but also managing housework on top of all of that! My toddler has been enjoying helping with some wee house jobs which has been fun too but sometimes I look around the house and think ‘oh flip’ but the house just has to wait!
Also find it hard when things don’t go to plan! But that’s just life and all part of motherhood. Must remember to put my trust in God and remember the truth – cast all your burdens on Him.

The guilt I carry over everything. Do I do enough for them? Are they eating right? Stimulated enough? Behind in school? Happy?? The list goes on and on. You also can never turn off being a mother. Even if you are working, or on a trip far away, they will always be on your mind.

Letting go of the fact that the ultimate outcome of my child’s life is not in my hands, but in the Lord’s. I do my part, but whole it is God’s.

Finding the balance between being a mom and wife and setting the best example for them.

The hardest part about being a mother to a Black son, is keeping him innocence for as long as possible. Then, once he’s exposed to reality, the hard part comes in having to explain to him that even though anything my son will accomplish will be amazing in my eyes, it won’t be good enough for others, for the simple reason that he is Black. The challenge becomes raising a son who is respectful to everyone, but knowing that he will not get that same respect back from others for the simple reason that he is Black. The new challenge then becomes to teach him that law enforcement is fair and present to help bring peace and justice, but not to him for the simple reason that he is Black. The hardest part about motherhood is raising a son to love everyone knowing he will be hated, simply because of his skin colour. Teaching them to be good while teaching them that they will never be accept by society for absolutely no valid reason.
The hardest part about being a mother in general, is meeting all your child’s needs. Whether that need is emotional or physical, it is your duty as a mother to fulfill that requirement. It is extremely gratifying to be a mother, but the burden of always having someone depending on you can be challenging and stressful. Will you say the right words, Will you have that bandaid? That shirt they wanted washed? The tacos for dinner? or that $5 in cash they need for a school function tomorrow? As mothers, we often have to sacrifice to meet our children’s needs, but I wouldn’t change it for the world!

• POTTY TRAINING TWIN BOYS! But really… it changes all of the time. Here is what is tough right now:
• Getting through those days where I am completely exhausted and lacking the patience and energy my children need from me.
• Toddler tantrums!
• Watching my older child struggle with social situations (self-image) and school and knowing that as much as I help, I can’t fully control/change how she feels.

There are so many! But for me, it’s worry. How will they adjust to school? Will they make friends? Will they stay healthy and safe? Am I doing enough as a mother to ensure health and safety? Am I preparing them enough for what they may or may not face in life? So many questions. It is a daily struggle learning to trust God with my kids while still doing the best that I can with my human weaknesses and God-given strengths.

The loss of independence was the hardest part of motherhood for me to come to grips with. This was a huge transition as an introvert. What felt like a thousand tiny hands and demands on my body all day long, day after day, quickly became extremely draining. It took me several years to identify that I needed alone time to recharge. It was mind-blowingly simple. I just had to ask for help when I needed it.

Because I love predictability and to plan, the hardest part, and biggest shock to me was the unpredictability of it all. It starts as a newborn: feeding schedules, sleeping and wake up schedules, etc… Then as a toddler: sleeping/ waking patterns, food preferences, sicknesses, etc. And in addition to that… I think the other three hardest parts are: (1) having to be away from them and split your time between them, work responsibilities, and other life obligations. (2) always having to put their feelings before your own (even in moments of frustration), and (3) watching them grow up and knowing you can’t stop it. It’s bittersweet. You are proud of them for reaching milestones, but at the same time you know that they will never need you to put their shoes on again, want to be held that way, or say the word wrong in the cutest way (for my son it’s ‘hangabur’ for ‘hamburger’, ‘merote’ for ‘remote’, and ‘lellow’ for ‘yellow’— oh my heart!!).

When I got married to the love of my life, I quickly realize how completely vulnerable and accountable you become to that one person. Habits and crutches are all laid bare. I realized more than ever that there is real work to be done. Then when God blessed me with my babies – all was laid bare on a whole new level. I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues since high school. But God impressed on my heart the importance of teaching and modelling to my children that they are God’s masterpieces and that they can love themselves as such. It’s a daily battle to see myself as God sees me – but I fight with God as my strength to overcome Satan’s lies.

I have three kids ages 13, 11, and 3; and they all have very different needs. What’s challenging for me right now is constantly wondering whether or not I am meeting their individual needs. Did I tell my teenage daughter she is beautiful today? Did my middle son get enough attention? Did the baby have enough playtime? It’s a constant struggle for me given their age gap. In the end, I just want them healthy, happy and to know they are loved.

The hardest part about being a mom for me is that I really want to treat each of my kids fairly, but not the same. I find it very difficult to balance this. Each child is so different that you really have to find unique ways to connect with them, to show them appreciation, etc. This often leads to feelings of guilt and failure. Thank goodness for new mercies each morning and a chance to try again.

Being away from my family (my parents are 6 hours by car, in laws are 6 hours by plane) and not having a proper support system ever since I became a mom 7 years ago.

At first glance, a few things immediately come to mind. Managing worry can be quite difficult. Balancing my role as a parent with my role as a working professional has also proved to be a challenge. At times I have been frustrated with how society at large undervalues the role of a caregiver and doesn’t recognize the labour that is involved. As a woman, I have certainly found it hard when assumptions have been made about my role as a parent in comparison to my partner’s. Working to break down gender roles in our family has not always been easy and has involved a lot of intention and effort.
But perhaps the hardest part about parenting for me has been how all-consuming it is. I don’t think I anticipated how many basic needs would be sacrificed on a daily basis – sleep, eating healthy, exercising, privacy, autonomy, time to have my own thoughts, and interests, etc. Perhaps it is because my children are still very young or because my family lives far away, but I have found that “parenting breaks” are typically quick, fleeting, and usually not restorative. It has been a challenge finding ways to love and care for my kids as best as I can, while at the same time reserving time and energy for myself and my own needs. Most parents are inherently selfless and would do anything for their kids, and do it gladly, but I think that experienced parents have found a way to practice this sustainably. As I continue on my parenting journey, this is something that I think about a lot and hope to improve at.

The hardest part of parenting is questioning, “Am I doing enough?”

I find that I am always struggling to give myself grace when it comes to being a mom. Everyone has their own values on what being a good mom looks like and I think that is beautiful and important to acknowledge. But I set my standards to a point that I often feel like I am letting my girls down when I know I’m not. I am showing up every day, giving it my best, and I know that God will take care of the rest. I have seen the proof firsthand that my girls don’t need a whole lot of “fluff”. They need my love and my attention and all the rest is just extra. But learning to let go of high expectations I set for myself is a struggle.

The first thing that comes to mind is being unsure if I’m doing it right. Am I being kind enough? Tough enough, lenient enough, majoring on minors, minoring on majors? Serving too few vegetables, too many snacks, too strict with nap and bed time routines etc… I think it’s amazing how even though moms have been around for forever, there is no “one way” of doing things, and that for me as a type A personality is difficult. Also, the first six weeks with a new baby I find the hardest because there is no real rhyme or reason or pattern at that point!

The hardest part of motherhood happens in my head. We have so much to think about on a day to day basis. We must, to some degree, live in our heads. But if it goes unbalanced, it can lead to big problems. In my case it leads to social anxiety and depression. Those who knew me before kids might be completely surprised by the social anxiety part. I am not shy at all. I am, by all accounts, a people-person. But it got so bad that I couldn’t go to church with out having a panic attack.

The hardest thing about motherhood for me is just trying to balance it all. I am a wife, a teacher, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a mother of two amazing boys. It feels like when I’m excelling in one area of my life, another area takes the back burner. I often feel like I’m spread too thin. My family will always be number one for me, and I need to learn that it’s okay if I am not perfect at everything! Motherhood is definitely a balancing act!

The hardest part about motherhood for me is feeling like I am failing my kids. When I lose my temper, or when I’m struggling mentally and try reminding myself to be thankful and present in each moment is definitely difficult. I fear that I will get it all wrong and my kids will not feel completely loved or will think I didn’t do my best.

The hardest part of motherhood for me is getting distracted by wanting to control behaviour when I know my real goal is to mould their hearts. Navigating their various, differing, and more diverse needs as they get older is also a challenge.

I think the hardest part of motherhood for me is being the only parent model of a relationship with God while knowing I am so far from perfect in that area, and trusting Him to guide my daughter. God still has made this a special blessing in my life. When I was pregnant with her, I remember praying so many times that God would make her a blessing for others and allow her to lead others to love Him more. She has definitely done that for me and is often the one who encourages me to read the Bible or pray, and so often contributes to turning my heart to God. So the hardest thing has also been my favourite thing.

As a mom, I struggle daily with being present and intentional with my middle school age kids when I find more tangible fulfillment completing tasks and connecting on social media. I also struggle as an Enneagram 2 to know when to detach myself from their happiness, sadness and needs. It is draining trying to be their “god” all the time. The Lord is tenderly reminding me (especially during this Covid-19 season), that I was never meant to carry the weight of their world, but to give them over to Him who can handle all the things.

Motherhood is a rollercoaster. Every age has sweet moments and challenges too. I can easily feel like an amazing parent one day, and an awful parent the next. I can be so in love and obsessed with my children one hour, and the very next hour be so angry and want to be as far away from them as possible. It’s also a challenge to adapt yourself to your children’s. various needs since struggles are so different for each child.

The hardest part about motherhood for me is feeling my kids’ pains. When they are hurting, I am hurting. Am I hurting more then they are? It definitely feels like it. Moms carry the weight of every stress, sorrow, fear of each child. Do we work through these things together? Absolutely. But seeing your child hurting is a heavy weight.

There are two that are neck and neck when it comes to what I’ve found to be the hardest (so far) about motherhood:
Getting out of any mindset, or not partnering with any lie that says being a stay at home mom to ‘wasted time’. I know God called me to motherhood (& being a stay at home mom), long before I became a mother and I know it isn’t ‘wasted time’. However, for years I worked in different businesses that God miraculously gave me skills for and I was accelerating in tangible and measurable ways.
Now as a mother, it isn’t about ‘measuring success’, getting a bunch of ‘tasks’ done each day, generating reports… it’s an entirely different world! It has nothing to do with any of that and it’s just deep (DEEP) waters of training up this little soul.
There aren’t markers or deadlines, but it is more planting seeds for future harvest(s) and probably not fully understanding the full impact until I’m with Jesus.
The second would be navigating the differences between punishment and discipline. From reading Raising Giant Killers (Brian Johnson) and Unpublishable (Danny Silk), I’ve realized the vast difference between the two, and I’m trying to learn how to navigate them.
There is no formula, and every age, child, and situation will be different.

The hardest part of motherhood for me was learning to breastfeed and the overwhelming pressure to do so. I felt obligated and trapped all at the same time. I am not a patient person to begin with, so the expectations I put on myself are unrealistic. Needless to say I do not like when I can’t do something well, so learning to do something that was out of my control was a massive challenge for me, as well as a lesson in patience. I think expectations, pressures, and realistic goals are always going to be a struggle for me as a mom; I always feel like I could be doing better.

The hardest part about motherhood for me is giving up what I want to use my time for, selfishly, for the purpose of being a loving, caring mother to the kids. The battle between self, and what’s the right thing to do… at any moment of the day (or in the night)… is the crux of all struggles. Giving your life away, for the sake of others, even those from your own blood. Also, for me… almost always knowing what’s the best/most prudent way to raise my kids (not for a lack of wisdom or knowledge), but not having the personal fortitude, strength or ability to carry it all out. And that is weighty.  

There are a few things, but recently, it has been difficult to find a good work/life/family balance. Regardless of how I approach it, mom guilt often gets me when I’m transitioning from mom mode to work mode. I try to prioritize God first, family second, and everything else after that, but it’s definitely a challenge. I also find it challenging when I’m exhausted and my daughter pushes my buttons all day by doing things she knows she shouldn’t being doing, but she deliberately does them anyway, completely disregard my rules and advise… and all this while the baby is screaming and crying because of teething and wanting to be held all day and nothing makes him happy! So the all-encompassing day of buttons being pushed to the limit.

The hardest part of motherhood for myself is to instil biblical values deep in the hearts of my children. I desired to train them in godly character and lifestyle, as well as having a strong relationship with the Lord. Figuring out different personalities and how to gently parent their hearts can be very challenging and it’s something I’m always trying to learn more about. 

The hardest part of motherhood for me is watching my kids go through “tough stuff”, and wanting to take the pain away from them, yet knowing how important it is for them to walk through these situations in order to grow and learn. I have teenagers… they go through tough “teenage” things… and while I hate seeing their tears, deep down I know that sheltering them wouldn’t be helpful in the long run.

Hardest part of motherhood: 
Isn’t all of it hard? There are so many hard parts but my current challenge is going back to work and feeling the “mom guilt” all the time. I feel guilty going to work, then on my days off I feel guilty for taking time to do something for myself and not spending every waking moment with my kids. It has gotten especially hard when since my kids have gotten old enough to express their hatred for mom going to work! Also, the fighting between my twin boys is hard but I don’t think that’s going to end any time soon.

There are a lot of hard parts about motherhood right now, but so many sweet parts too, and I need to focus on the sweet ones. A hard thing right now is my two kids fighting or not getting along. They have learned how to push each others buttons. One minute they are playing happily and the next minute they are literally slapping each other in the face and screaming. I find myself struggling with anger when I see them act like this. I don’t understand how they can be so rude to each other. I know it’s common and siblings don’t get along splendidly every minute of the day. So this is hard right now, I am working on navigating this and working on staying calm.

Prior to motherhood, I was a full time student, then a full time employee, and I got used to measuring the success of my day based on how productive I was or how many tasks I completed. Well now, as a stay-at-home mom of a 14-month old, my job is to be present with my daughter and give her the best care that I can. I usually don’t have much to show for myself at the end of the day other than a happy, clean, well-fed, well-loved baby. But is there anything more important than that? Not for me, not in this season of life. So it’s been hard at times but I’m learning to value being present with her over accomplishing other more tangible goals. 

Honourable mentions for the hardest part about motherhood: breastfeeding (the first 2-3 months were horrible) and the ever evolving journey of sleep and lack thereof.

After some reflection, I must say that the role in itself is the hardest part. Since the first time I held my eldest, my life became centered around the wellbeing of my children. Feed, clothe, and ensure I fill these blank canvases the best way I know how. Hoping that by setting the right example, I can shape and mould them to be good-hearted and well-mannered little people. I let go of that young woman I was just moments prior to giving birth, and instantly and wholeheartedly devoted myself to caring for and raising my first born. My life went from zero cares in the world, to hyper-focus mode in an instant. This only doubled when my second was born. Never looking back to any of the parts that made me who I was and only moving forward in being the best mom and example I could be.
As they get older now, there is even less time for ‘me’ and taking moments for myself can sometimes make me feel even worse. In considering all this, the hardest part for me is actually looking back and realizing that I am more than my ‘mother’ role, and that it is okay to be ‘Mommy’ and to just be myself at the same time.

The hardest part about motherhood for me is always having to be “on”. I’m an introvert who loves a calm, peaceful, and orderly environment, and obviously that’s impossible with a four year old. So having my every waking minute be dictated by a small human can be very challenging. I actually hid in the shower the other day just to get a few minutes of alone time. However my situation is unique in that our daughter is only with us half the time. So the hardest part of being a mom truthfully is simply in being a step-mom and living in the shadows of her “real” mom.

There are so many difficulties when it comes to parenting, from sleepless nights and teething to tantrums and disobedience and my children are still little….Lord knows what I still having coming! In addition there are all of the things I thought I knew and never realized the gravity of. I knew that having children would require sacrifice but I didn’t understand how vast the struggle would be just to simply recognize myself…I knew I would make mistakes but didn’t realize how deeply and frequently I would feel like a failure. For me, getting it “wrong” is the hardest part. The fear that the way I chose to do things would be the “wrong” way or that my imperfections, failures, and (frequent) moments of weakness would be too great that I would totally screw up my kids or worse, that they wouldn’t grow to passionately love Jesus Christ. Of course, this is foolishness, and when I fix my eyes of Christ, He reminds me that no mistake I could possibly make would ever be too big for Him to redeem and as I humble myself and ask their forgiveness when I mess up they are learning even bigger things from my example…even if I wish it wasn’t necessary. These children are after all only on lone from Him and He loves them more than even I could imagine.

Motherhood can feel easy and natural one day, and then exhausting and impossible the next. I find that the most difficult part of parenting is determining when to discipline or correct, and when to show grace. As a Christ-follower, my goal is to follow the example of our perfect Father; at times, his greatest kindness to us, his children, is to correct us. In other moments, He’s quick to offer mercy and grace. So in tough moments with my kids, when I can be frustrated, impatient or hasty, I find it takes a lot of intentional effort to slow down and seek wisdom before speaking.

Few things in life have been as stretching (mentally, physically & spiritually!) as parenting! Initially, I naively thought the sleepless nights would be the hardest part, but now I realize (for this season at least) it’s how to love them well when they need to be corrected. It breaks me when my almost four-year-old imitates my anger and directs it at me, or anyone else. Oh how I wish that wasn’t the case! Jesus continues to show me my weaknesses, His strength, and the depth of His love for me through parenting! I’m a work in progress over here 🙋🏻‍♀️

One of the hardest part of motherhood was that all of a sudden, this tiny little being was mine to take care of. All my wants and needs were to be put second, and my daughter was put first. As natural as it was to become a mother when she entered the world, it was still an adjustment with sleepless nights, problems breast feeding and not being able to soothe my baby when she was crying uncontrollably for what felt like no reason. But as hard as it was, adjusting to that became easy very quickly as my love grew for her each and every day. Fast forward to now, my daughter, a vibrant and energetic three year old, can be a lot to handle sometimes. Which brings me to a part of motherhood that has been challenging for me is learning to let go of control and let chaos reign, after all she is three. It’s challenging when you are an organized person and having your days planned out just to have your toddler come in like a hurricane and turn everything upside down. And during this time of quarantine it has been especially challenging while having to work and somehow entertain and keep my three year old busy. But through those moments, I have learned to love and let go of control to allow my daughter to be who she is, and watch her grow into her own, and to gently reign her in when I know she needs it. I remind myself that my work will get done eventually and I might not get these moments back of spending every day with her once I have to go back to work. It’s all worth it when she spontaneously throws her arms around me and says “I love you”, squeezing me so tight I can’t breath, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything, even all the hard parts of motherhood.

The hardest thing about motherhood is trying to do what needs to be done in each moment to help make my children the respectful, successful adults of the future. Is the decision I’m making now going to build them up, or is it going to have lasting negative effect on them?

The hardest thing about motherhood for me would have to be the loss of control. I am the type of person who thrives off of structure and routine, who likes to have things go according to plan. But when you have kids, that’s just not always possible. (Especially when your kids are more stubborn than you are!) Although this was much harder for me as initially as a new mom, and I have learned to be a little more “go with the flow”, it is still something that I am confronted with daily. It’s absolutely my job to guide and teach my children, but at the end of the day, they still have their own minds and personalities and I have to accept that I can’t control them. They aren’t always going to do things the way I would, and things may not always go according to plan. And that’s ok!

Motherhood is equally the hardest and the most rewarding job out there. Everyday brings new challenges not only for myself but for my children as well. It takes a lot of patience, stretching, and a whole lot of grace. From making the right choices for your child, to making choices within yourself that will affect your child, sometimes it feels like you can never do it right. One thing that has helped me is to recognize that although motherhood will not be easy, one way to ease that hardship is allowing God to help you with it. So although motherhood can be a difficult journey, it is not meant to be travelled alone.

The hardest part about motherhood to me is always wondering if I’m making the best decisions for my children. Am I spending enough time with them? Do I let them have too much screen time? Am I feeding them enough healthy food, or letting them eat too much junk? Do I give them enough freedom, or not enough? Am I too strict about some things? The list goes on! It’s not an easy road to navigate and even harder when you are working against outside influences coming from school, friends, and technology. I find it getting more difficult as they get older. They are starting to question my decisions more, especially when they see friends allowed to do things that they are not. Getting into disagreements over and over about the same things and always ending with the classic “Because I said so” can be exhausting. I just pray that God gives me the wisdom to raise my boys to trust and follow Him, to understand that my decisions are there to guide them and protect them, and that I do the best I can to prepare them for the world when it’s finally time to let them spread their wings. And when that day comes, that will the hardest part of all, letting go. Even with all the hardships, motherhood is my greatest joy and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The hardest part about motherhood is living far away from my family.
There’s really nothing like family. They are always there to help out, give you companionship like no one else can, and see you at your worst without batting an eye simply because you’re family.
When I married my husband who is in the US military, I accepted the sacrifices I would have to make that come with being a military wife. For me, these include being away from family, friends, familiarity, as well as being alone when he’s traveling for work, moving often, and eventually having kids without help. I currently have two kids (4 and and 2) and 33 weeks pregnant with baby 3.
I love being a full-time mama but it does get lonely at times where I find myself longing to fill that void only family can bring. And of course the help with the kids, or stuff around the house that only family would do for you!

The hardest part? The last few months!!
But actually… guilt. Feeling guilty about not spending enough time playing with my kids, while simultaneously feeling guilty about not feeling productive enough in the home. Guilt that I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with each of them, guilt for blowing up at them and not being able to take it back, guilt for not setting a better example through my words and actions, and on and on…
Of course I know there is grace, of course I know they are loved, and I’m so thankful for how forgiving kids are, overall I am so thankful for the life our kids get to live in but it’s still hard.

Only one thing? LOL There are different stages of motherhood which present different hardships. Learning how to be a mom, sleepless nights, keeping your child alive! But I think the one constant hardship that never changes is learning how to balance being continuously selfless and also a bit selfish without feeling guilty. We sometimes need that selfish time off from being a mommy, to just recharge, and learning to do that for ourselves without feeling bad is so important. We are better moms to our little ones when we are healthy mentally and physically. And it’s ok to say I need some ‘me’ time.

There have been countless challenges to motherhood, one monumental challenge was breastfeeding. I wanted to breastfeed my baby, but he got the bottle too early. Once I gave in and let him use the bottle (at 3 months), life got easier and I learned to extend grace to myself and let my expectations go. I continued to pump until my son was one.

Oh, there’s supposed to be just one part of motherhood that’s hard? Well, obviously, the hours are crap. But even more distressing is that success can’t be measured in motherhood the way it can in other pursuits. Progress is slow, sometimes invisible, sometimes backwards. That’s a tough mindset shift when we live in a world that thrives on quick fixes and immediate results. Motherhood is humbling in the worst way, daily revealing my shortcomings and reminding me that I’m not in control.

Being blessed as a mother of four beautiful children makes my heart so full. I am blessed to be the mom of two girls (ages 12 and 5) and two boys (ages 10 and 7). As you can imagine, the days are full, long, difficult, fun, happy, trying, rewarding, and exhausting.
Here are two things on my heart that I struggle with in motherhood:
I don’t feel I spend enough meaningful, one-on-one time with my kids.
At night when I reflect on my day, I often feel guilty for not spending enough time with all of them. Do I divide my time equally between them, myself and my husband, or do I spend more time with some and not others?
Over the years I have learned about the different love languages of our kids. They each show their love and feel loved in different ways. I have learned that each child needs me to fill them up, to spend time with them according to their unique love language, and for different amounts of time each day. So it’s okay if the days look different from one to the next. They know they are loved and treasured so deeply.
Letting go of my kids
We have one starting high school this year and another starting kindergarten and I find that hard! The days may be long, but the years have gone by fast. My heart’s natural reflex is to keep them from all danger and shield them from life’s disappointments. I want to be a safe place of them to come, rest and be loved, but I know that their lives are in the palm of God’s hand, and my role as their mom is to raise God-fearing, Christ-following people who will join in with God’s work in sharing the gospel and fighting against injustice.

Motherhood is tough. I feel overwhelmed thinking about the fact that I’ve brought these perfect little souls into a world that feels very scary at times. My natural instinct is to protect and shield my kids from all of the hardships, but I know that this is where the growth happens. I’m in a constant state of battle in my head to make sure their life is beautiful, but also that they grow into strong, brave and kind individuals. It’s a dance.

One of the hardest parts of motherhood for me is watching my son grow but also wanting him to stay little forever. I know that I won’t be holding his little hand going up the stairs, wiping away his tears, or smothering him with kisses for much longer. I pick him up and hold him in my arms knowing that this will come to and end one day. Teaching him all that I know, praying that he will turn into a fine young man, and then letting his hand go. Hoping he will make the right choices in life.

For me, motherhood’s biggest challenge has been living in the tension of loving deeply and fiercely, but also letting go a little more in every new stage, and learning that my children are slowly moving from total dependence on me to independence, as it should be. Loving but also letting go. Learning to trust God in deeper ways through that process has been my greatest challenge.

Balancing everything! Especially being in ministry, and during a pandemic! The whole being a great mom, wife, cooking real food, being present, taking care of myself so that I can take care of others well. Combined with vocation and the ministry I’ve been called to. Most of the time it’s all good but it’s a huge balancing act. It feels like walking across a balance beam and constantly refocusing.

Hey! If you’ve made it this far, bless your heart for reading as I know it’s been long. But I’ve been absolutely blown away by everyone’s interest in this! I hope you’ve been blessed in reading these thoughts as much as I’ve been blessed in receiving them.

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