We live in a world that idolizes a trinity of success. Sure, we may also hear that humility, generosity, and kindness are valuable traits in a well-rounded individual. But many would prefer to be surrounded by people like that, rather than do the hard work required to actually exhibit these virtues.
We want to be seen, heard, and accepted. Fame gets us that. We want security, flexibility, and stability. Fortune gets us that. We want to be important, significant, and in control. Power gets us that.
However, the more we understand about God’s economy, the more we know that it’s an upside down approach to life as we know it.
You want fame? Reject the approval of man. You want fortune? Give it all away. You want power? Be a servant.
It doesn’t make sense.
Without God in the equation, it can be hard to let go of the pressure to make things happen for yourself. Our culture pushes a strong individualistic worldview to look out for #1. So letting go can feel like giving up! And to give up – is failure.
Especially in situations where we’ve worked so hard and deserve credit or recognition for our accomplishments. It is downright foolish to allow someone else the honour of our well-deserved and hard-earned accolades.
And yet this is what we’re called to…
I’ve been both awestruck and inspired by the story of a man named Joseph. Not Joseph, the stepdad of Jesus; but Joseph, the guy with the amazing technicolor dreamcoat.
We’re introduced to Joseph in Genesis 37 as a 17 year old punk kid with a big mouth and a chip on his shoulder. Need a recipe for worldly success? Joseph certainly appeared to aspire to that level of greatness.
Being the youngest of eleven brothers, Joseph would’ve had a lot to prove. Except lucky for him, he was their father’s favourite. And he knew it. So really, he didn’t even have to try to be noticed.
To add insult to injury for his ten older brothers, Joseph had a bunch of dreams implying that they would all serve him and even bow down to Joseph one day. Partly due to these outrageous dreams, as well as the preferential treatment shown to Joseph by their father, Joseph’s brothers orchestrated a plot to get rid of him.
Within just two small chapters (Genesis 37 and 39), we see that Joseph is ambushed, beaten, left for dead, sold into slavery, displaced to a foreign country, wrongfully accused of attempted rape, and wrongfully imprisoned as a result.
What Joseph lived through in these chapters is absolutely horrific. It’s the kind of stuff that would make a great movie, but nothing you’d ever sign up for in real life.
When we first met Joseph, he was arrogant, proud, entitled… all characteristics that come so naturally to so many of us (myself included, I assure you). And honestly, the most successful go-getters will often utilize these characteristics in order to achieve the success they crave.
Joseph’s trials changed him in remarkable ways. What I want to highlight here is just one little verse out of the many chapters that cover Joseph’s life.
So Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, “It is not in me; but God will give Pharaoh the answer he wants, an answer of peace.”
– Genesis 41:16
If you don’t know how the rest of the story unfolds, this will be a major spoiler, my apologies.
But the guy that Pharaoh summoned from PRISON to interpret his dreams, pivots into the second in command of the most powerful empire the world had ever known.
But HOW?!
Because he trusted God. Because he gave God credit.
Because even though he was able to interpret dreams and was recognized throughout the land for it, he didn’t see it as a skill to practice or improve through hard work and will power.
He recognized that his ability to interpret dreams was a gift from God.
He did nothing to earn it, and could do nothing to keep it. He simply trusted in God’s sovereignty. Because of this, he didn’t fret about his fate. Rather, he placed his life in the capable hands of God. The One who could turn a young, foreign captive into a powerful ruler.
When I reflect on my own life; my own dreams, ambitions, aspirations… it’s easy to worry that things won’t turn out the way I hope or envision. I have big dreams and big hopes, as we all do! But Joseph’s story is such a valuable lesson for me.
You see, based on what I’ve come to learn about God’s character, I just can’t imagine Him raising Joseph to prominence had he still been running his mouth about how he’d be in a position of power someday.
He had to learn true humility. And learn to give credit where credit is due. For when the time came for him to prove himself and make something of himself, Joseph could say with quiet confidence (rather than arrogant pride)… it’s not me, it’s Him.
I know it can feel scary to let go of the reins and trust that God’s got you. But take heart! There’s more comfort to be found in Joseph’s story regarding this brave call to faith.
Just in chapter 39 alone, we read that, the Lord was with Joseph, not once or twice, not thrice, but SEVEN TIMES!!! That’s a big deal. If you’re like me, you know there’s no earthly success that can replace the peace of mind in knowing the Lord is with you.
Which is why I want to make clear that by success in this post, I’m definitely not referring to the rhetoric of the prosperity gospel, as I’m a staunch opponent of this view. The way I interpret godly success is in the Lord’s presence and provision. To sense that He is with me, and to know He is meeting my needs, there’s such goodness in that. I consider that to be a successful life.
And as Joseph told his brothers when they finally reunited, and Joseph’s childhood dreams are realized when all ten brothers bow before him:
You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.
– Genesis 50:20
The Bible doesn’t say this, but I’m willing to bet that Joseph couldn’t have predicted that his dreams would come to fruition in such a magnanimous way. Perhaps he thought his father would grant him the first born blessing, which was significant in those days, and that he’d be man of the house over his brothers. But to be second to no one but the mighty Pharaoh? It’s almost absurd.
But that’s God for you. In His upside down economy, it just doesn’t make sense.
Paul’s words in Romans are an echo of this inspiring story:
Be encouraged, friend! When it feels like everyone else is figuring it out, working it out, and getting ahead, remember this: you are not behind if you are walking with God. You are exactly where you need to be for Him to do a good work in your life. And as long as you’re giving Him the credit for the good, He’ll keep working it out for your true success.
Join me in saying, it’s not me, it’s Him, and we’ll see Him work out so many things for our good, His glory, and for His kind of success.
What’s in the Ears
I’ve had this song on repeat for months. I now find it SO well suited for this post. Enjoy!
I would love to know your thoughts on this definition of success! Does is resonate? Send me a message or comment below!
Something’s been going down in the Avila household over the last several months – if I could give you a more specific timeframe, I would. But alas, my fried brain refuses me that luxury. That thing is: sleepless nights.
If you don’t already know, I pride myself in being a stern mother. My boys were sleep trained from young ages and slept for a solid 12 hours well before their first birthdays. Go me!
Hmmm ok so what’s that verse again? Pride comes before disaster, and arrogance before a fall….. ah yes. Well in case you were wondering, it was written with yours truly in mind. Thanks, Proverbs 16:18.
Basically, the longer I’m a parent, the less I know.
Before kids, I knew EXACTLY what to do about everything. Now? Let’s just say, the more trips I take around the sun with my three little shadows, the more questions I have about everything I thought I knew.
I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say: no one’s sleeping.
Where we host the overnight circus
You may be asking yourself, why is an entire blog post being devoted to kids’ sleep problems? Thank you, that’s a fair question, Loraine. But this post just had to happen at some point because it’s literally taking over my very existence.
Despite having tried everything EVERYTHING we can think of, our three year old wakes multiple times in the night, and the disjointed sleep has had adverse effects on my mental health.
Effects of Sleep Deprivation
Sleep deprivation affects everyone differently. In fact, it’s rumoured that there are unicorns among us who are hardly affected by lack of sleep at all. Good for you! But we can’t be friends. Bye, Loraine.
Besides the obvious (ie: physical exhaustion, foggy brain, etc), lack of sleep manifests itself for me in the following ways:
short temper
dark thoughts
hopelessness
apathy
lethargy
self-destructive tendencies
mild depression
resting bitch face
When you’re raising young children, these are ugly things to contend with. Yet it pains me to admit, here we are.
The Thorn in my Side
In his second letter to the Corinthian church, the Apostle Paul tells them about a thorn in the flesh that he claims keeps him humble:
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
– II Corinthians 12:8-10
We don’t know what the thorn actually was. Some speculate a physical ailment, others think he was referring to persecution.
The specifics are not important.
What is important, is that God chose to not relieve him of this thorn so that Paul would increase his dependency on Christ for strength.
Wow, can I ever relate to that.
When I carve out time to spend in prayer and God’s Word, He empowers me to take on my day in a strength of spirit that just does not make sense based on the amount of sleep I get.
When my natural inclination is to spiral into negative thoughts and self destructive tendencies… His right hand sustains me. His gentleness makes me great (Psalm 18:25), and I can be the wife and mom my family needs, because I’m not depending on my own strength. Instead, I’m forced to lean into Jesus to fill in the gaps I simply don’t have the capacity for on my own.
My lifeline
Great is Thy Faithfulness
During one of my desperate moments before the Lord, I was asking Him to sustain me through a long day when my husband was due back home long after dinner and bedtime. I came across this verse:
The Sovereign Lord has given me His words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort (sustain, encourage) a tired and weary people. Morning by morning He wakens me and opens my understanding to His will.
– Isaiah 50:4
In parenting, as in life, I want His wise words to be what overflows from me. I NEED His comfort, sustenance, and encouragement to not only bless the tired and weary who may cross my path, but because I am tired and weary myself!
The real gem is in that last line. Personally, I find that morning by morning line to be a nod to Lamentations!
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness.
– Lamentations 3:22-23
Every morning is a new opportunity to be met with His faithful love, mercy, and grace. Although circumstances may be the same (for me, utter exhaustion is my constant companion), I have learnt through these Scriptures and others, that I’m not alone. The Lord is with me. He gives me what I need. And He can use it all for my growth.
Because I’ve come to recognize that everything He gives me is either GOOD, or it’s FOR. MY. GOOD!
So if I get some sleep, then that’s good.
But if I’m sleep deprived, it’s for my good that I’m then forced into deeper dependency on Him to do what I cannot do, namely: be emotionally stable.
Sleep for His Beloved… and a Good Laugh?
I was reminded recently of a psalm that talks of children as a gift from God. But it was the verse just above it that had me burst out laughing at the irony. Y’all, these two verses are literally one after the other. You can’t make this stuff up:
2 for God gives rest to those He loves. 3 Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him
– Psalm 127:2-3
Please tell me you see the humour.
I am believing for that real rest that God promises to those He loves…
But then following after with that cheeky little reminder that children are a gift? A reward? Come on, God! I’m too tired and weary to appreciate that truth in this season!
But He doesn’t let me off the hook. He keeps making a way for me to carry on with more reminders of His goodness and provision.
28 “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
– Matthew 11:28-30
I’m reminded here that I can carry anything when I carry it with Jesus. When I learn from Him, when I lean into Him for the strength to do it.
So as I conclude with bloodshot eyes and a chorus of yawns, I hope this encourages you in whatever burden you carry.
Is it this endless pandemic? Marital strain? A toxic work environment? Estranged loved one?
Or something that doesn’t feel like it should be a big deal… but you can’t help that it really is. Like not getting enough sleep? I can say with confidence: I may be struggling in sleeplessness, but He sustains me. There’s goodness in that.
What’s in the Ears
Ok I know I say it every time, but listen with lyrics! This song is just too good.
Is there a thorn in your own side that’s got you on your knees in prayer just to survive the day? You are not alone! Please reach out to me to vent, for prayer, or anything else! I love to hear from you!
It was October 2020. I was in the driver’s seat of my mombile (van), waiting for my kids to be let out of school. The day was damp and wet. Leaves hadn’t yet started falling, but they were just beginning to change colours. The towering elder trees stretching their branches like a canopy across the roads surrounding the school are absolutely beautiful at that time of year.
I try to get to school a little early to snag a prime parking spot for a quick getaway, and also so I could pray and prepare my heart before the boys and I are reunited. On this particular fall day, my music streaming app started playing Voice of God.
I literally could not believe my ears…
So this week, I’m changing things up and starting the post with WHAT’S IN THE EARS because this song burst me open in the best way on that autumn day. I not only saw God in a different way, but also came to a new understanding of how I actually connect with Him. So I’m excited to share the insight I gleaned from that moment and how it’s changed me.
Fair warning: God’s presence is heavy in this video. But don’t dismiss it! If you’ve watched footage of chicks passing out at rock concerts, or grown men foaming at the mouth over football, you already know that we, as people, can be moved by our passions. So just take it all in!
The song starts with Dante Bowe rattling off anything and everything under the sun. Putting into word pictures what God’s Voice is actually like in the real world. The crackle of a bonfire… children’s laughter…
The every day sounds of life that I believe are God’s gift to us.
Things that add colour and music to life. That make life worth living. Stuff that won’t make headlines. Just the simple and the beautiful. The quiet, mundane moments. But the ones that can make you smile and make you feel alive.
In those moments… God speaks in those moments.
NYC from the Hudson. Definitely heard God’s Voice here.
The first two verses and two choruses end with a variation of:
It’s just something I can’t explain, but it makes me wanna cry…
And that’s the truth, y’all.
All this writing is my bumbling attempt at putting a few words together to convey who God is, who He is to me, and what hearing His Voice means in my life.
That’s what I love about this song. It’s not rich with theology, or heavy with scripture (which the nerd in me typically gravitate towards!), but it’s hard not to sense God’s presence as you listen. And it can make a grown girl cry.
The interlude with Steffany Gretzinger and Chandler Moore is just straight anointed. Gretzinger sings part of Holy Holy Holy at one point and it’s chilling. Moore pours this out:
I remembered that day When He called my name Nothing was the same (Voice of God) Because of the Voice, yeah (It’s the Voice of God) And everything was changed I saw myself in a different way Because of (Voice of God) Yeah (It’s the voice of God) Before there were so many noises I made so many wrong choices listening to other voices (Voice of God) But now I hear (It’s the Voice of God) And He is still speaking He is still declaring That He is the Voice Yeah (It’s the Voice of God) Creation responds The wind still obeys The Voice of God
emphasis added
My fav spot to hear Him
The Word
Soaking in this song all those months ago… I had a lightbulb moment thinking about God’s Voice and how we all hear Him differently. He doesn’t speak the same way to everyone. He made us all unique, and part of that is hearing Him uniquely. And that’s the beauty of the whole dang thing.
For me, God speaks through music, if that ain’t obvious! But also, through His Word. The things that jump off the pages of scripture, I can’t explain. The people in the Bible, the overall story. It feels like I’m reading my own life. That the words are directed at me and for me. I get it at an existential level. I am often brought to tears over a familiar passage as God shows me something new about Himself, or myself, or this precious world He created and how it all works together.
I know not everyone experiences this when reading the Bible. And though I believe that level of experiential reading is available to all of us, I also believe that the uniqueness of each person means that God uses different ways to connect with each of us.
Some other moments Bowes lists where God’s Voice can be heard:
ocean water (creation)
the laughter of a loved one (relational)
a choir singing hymns (worship)
the hush of a midnight hour (contemplative)
the final breath of a loved one passing (service)
This is just my interpretation of these beautiful moments:
You may hear God through His creation. And being in nature makes you come alive and you can’t explain, but it makes you wanna cry.
You may hear Him by connecting with other people. In religious terms we’d call that fellowship. But I think any relational moment with people who are good to you and can speak truth into your life can be a powerful Voice of God moment.
I already mentioned music, but it’s worth emphasizing because this is an entire post about hearing God through a song. Music has a way of connecting us to the One who is worthy of our praise. That’s why we call it worship.
For those of us who are less socially inclined, moments of quiet solitude can scream God’ Voice. That a moment in prayer isn’t just a desperate cry to the ceiling, but true dialogue in a contemplative moment.
The last one I’ll mention is one that inspires me so much. Serving others in their moment of need is such a beautiful opportunity to hear God’s Voice. I am so moved by the way someone feels so close to God by simply being there for someone who can do nothing to repay them. Simple acts of service are how we show God’s love to people, and He uses those opportunities to speak to us as we serve.
I left out any scripture reference intentionally this week to make a point. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’m really into quoting God’s Word. And as I said earlier, it is my go-to way to connect with God. But there are so many more that didn’t even get mentioned on my limited list.
Pro tip: pick a translation of the Bible that keeps you engaged. A parallel Bible is a great way to get more out of your reading! Or try audio, like through the YouVersion app!
If you’re trying to hear God’s Voice, He WILL speak to you. He promises that in His Word (which happens to be my personal favourite). If you’re unfamiliar with the Bible, and looking for tips on where to start, please reach out to me! And if you’re already connecting with God in other ways without even realizing it, then I couldn’t be more happy for you if this post was a lightbulb moment for you too!
In my darkest, ugliest, deepest despair, God has spoken to me, changing everything. Not audibly, but in those whispers only the depths can perceive. I pray the same for you. How do you hear the Voice of God? And tell me, what do you think of this song?! Send me a message or comment below!
Before Covid and lockdowns, social distancing and hand sanitizer. Before quarantine and face masks, virtual school and flattening the curve.
Before any of that became a regular part of our everyday vernacular, I didn’t know what it truly means to fight for peace.
Weeks into the first lockdown, I wrote this and I still stand by it. But I’ve learnt a few things since then.
Above all, I’ve learnt to….
Fight for peace
I just love that phrase.
Partly because it’s a juxtaposition, and I’m always down for a good nerdy wordplay.
But also because I have felt its full manifestation in my life and in my home this past year like nothing else.
That virtual school life
I spent the early days of the pandemic scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, just taking it all in. The world as I knew it hadn’t imploded just yet, nor was it quite so divided, but boy did all that change quickly.
I found myself getting emotionally riled over not just articles, statuses, and videos… but the comment sections.
Oh, the comment sections.
I know how dramatic this sounds, but it felt like being transported to a war zone. Observing the chaos of hostility, I’d watch the comments, insults, accusations, slander… and from people I know!
I’d put my phone down and carry the emotional load of everything I’d just scrolled through, right into my home with my family.
By contrast, my home life was peaceful, and as serene as it can be with three young children. My husband was at peace; my children, content.
But I? I was an emotional wreck.
Losing my peace felt like handing out scrap flyers on a busy street corner.
God’s peace was His precious gift to me and my family in the middle of these unprecedented times and I was throwing it in the trash, replacing it with deep unrest in my spirit.
And it was affecting our home life.
Misunderstandings and arguments between husband and wife came easily, then. My children were tormented by a rash and volatile mother as I took my rising anxiety out on them.
Finally, I recognized what was happening: that by giving away my peace, I was allowing chaos and conflict in its stead.
Then, I recognized what I had to do: that for peace to reign in my home, I had to fight for it.
Bill Johnson says in Raising Giant-Killers, that an atmosphere of peace is an important building block of a healthy home. So one of my primary roles as a parent, is to make my home a haven for peace.
Raising Giant-Killers by Bill Johnson: 10/10 would recommend
Once I recognized that I was giving away peace rather than fighting for it, I knew I had to make some changes.
My Steps to Peace
I deleted the Facebook app off of my phone
I asked of my loved ones (my husband, family, and closest friends) to put me on a need-to-know basis regarding topics that were stealing my joy and peace
Google’s got the best explanation of a need-to-know basis: If you tell people something on a need-to-know basis, you only tell them the facts they need to know, at the time they need to know them, and nothing more.
Maybe it’s an ignorant, head-in-the-sand, borderline apathetic coping mechanism. But that’s the thing, we’re all trying our best to cope with what this past year has brought us. And by distancing myself from things that peak my interest in the moment, but cause me terrible unrest in the long run, I’m now able to better focus on the things that actually fill me with peace and better equip me to face my day with those right in front of me, rather than strangers on the other side of a screen.
I’m reminded of this exhortation from the Apostle Paul:
Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise.
– Philippians 4:8
I don’t know about you, but it’s super hard for me to focus on any part of that lovely list when I’m filling my head instead with fear-inducing headlines, provocative status updates, or slanderous comment sections.
Quite honestly, it has been a lot of work! As the writer of Hebrews put it:
No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.
– Hebrews 12:11
It’s often hard to maintain the discipline of guarding my mind from sensationalized events and topics that rob me of peace. But it’s made all the difference in marriage and in parenting.
I still have a thousand hard moments and bad days, believe me. A dark and dreary January attested to that. But I’m certain it’d be a zillion without the discipline of fighting for peace and allowing the peace of God to guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:7).
Fighting for peace?
Part of last year’s discipline was memorizing the book of James. (If you’re interested in memorizing scripture: Check out these tips!) While I was going through it, one particular verse stood out to me and hasn’t sat back down since. It reads:
Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
– James 3:18
With the word raise, my mind went instantly to raising children.
More than anything, I want to raise my children to be in right standing with God. That the righteousness of Jesus would cover them. And I acknowledge a big part of my role as their mother is to foster an environment where peace will reign.
I also love the TPT translation which says,
…and it always bears the beautiful harvest of righteousness! Good seeds of wisdom’s fruit will be planted with peaceful acts by those who cherish making peace.
– James 3:18
I have to ask myself:
Do I cherish making peace? Am I planting seeds of wisdom with acts of peace? Or do I allow fear and chaos to take root in the hearts of my loved ones, so that their actions and reactions are rooted in fear, rather than faith?
All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be their peace. In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear.
– Isaiah 54:13-14
Who am I listening to? What is filling my ears, my thoughts?
“But all who listen to me will live in peace, untroubled by fear of harm.”
– Proverbs 1:33
Whatever I give my attention to, that’s what’s filling me up.
Put another way… you attract what you hunger for.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
– Matthew 5:6
Am I hungry for gossip? Drama? Controversy? Conspiracy? Slander? It is all soooooooo easily available to me. But it won’t fill me with peace. I have to fight against all that.
I have to fight for peace.
I sense God’s presence, leading, and direction through an inexplicable increase of peace in my spirit. And I will chase that high till the day I die. No amount of fame, approval, money, or worldly security can compare to the peace that surpasses logical understanding.
I invite you to taste and see how good the Lord really is!
Taste of His goodness; see how wonderful the Eternal truly is. Anyone who puts trust in Him will be blessed and comforted.
– Psalm 34:18
What’s in the Ears
I truly cannot think of a better song to capture the essence of what I hope my own words might across. *Listen with lyrics!
Has this post comforted, challenged, or even annoyed you? I’d love to know about it! Please comment below, or send me a message!
If you thought this was a post on travel in the middle of a pandemic lockdown, y’all don’t know me very well. Sorry to disappoint! Truth is, the moment those borders open up, I’m heading straight to Detroit to give Target all my money in exchange for all the things.
Until that blessed day, this is actually about what I consider to be the most relatable words the Apostle Paul ever wrote, found in his letter to the church in Rome.
Since this post will compare parts of Romans 7 and 8, you can read those excerpts here, or check them out below:
So here’s what’s up:
It’s occurred to me that I sometimes give the impression of “having it all together”. Something about being an Enneagram 3?
Well the truth is… it isn’t true. And this passage from Romans gives me the perfect opportunity to prove it.
What I find incredibly refreshing about Paul’s writing in this part of Romans 7, is how deeply personal it is. Read on to see what I mean.
English teacher nerd alert:
In most of Romans, as in his other letters, Paul describes struggles with sin using the First-Person plural, employing us and we pronouns. And just as frequently, uses the Second-Person narrative, you, to unpack his teachings. It’s the latter especially that removes him from the issues he’s addressing in his letters.
But in Romans 7, he blurts out what sounds to me like the first Catholic-vibe confessional. It’s like he’s rambling on about his struggles. He’s a little repetitive, a little redundant, and seemingly more than just a little exasperated.
Honestly, it’s like Paul was telling my story. Literally sentiments I utter to myself on the regular. Here’s one of my favourite lines:
I don’t understand what I do. I don’t do what I want to do. Instead, I do what I hate to do. I do what I don’t want to do!
– Romans 7: 15-16
So this is where the transparency comes in… if you haven’t at least skimmed Romans 7:13-24 up there, please do.
It’s my heart in a nutshell, because this is the truth: I love Jesus with all my heart. I am humbled by His sacrifice, I am moved by His grace, and I am deeply passionate about living my life to honour Him.
However, I’m stuck. So very deeply stuck in this battle within myself. Paul puts it SO well by saying,
…if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!
– Romans 7:21
So here it is. What I struggle with most is: P A R E N T I N G. When discussing my parenting woes, I jokingly say: I was very patient until I had kids. Or, I didn’t have anger issues until I became a mom.
Nothing humbles me more than my day in/day out, revolving door, uphill battle with sin in parenting.
I have three great amazing kids. They’re not perfect. Obviously. But being their mother sure does show me how imperfect I am.
Everyday I tell myself, this is the day I won’t shout at them. This is the day I’ll be exceedingly patient. And although some days are certainly better than others…
What I don’t understand about myself, is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.
– Romans 7:15 (also, literally me)
On hard days, I feel like I’m living in a Romans 7 Groundhog Day. Where I get yet another chance to get it right, only to find that nothing’s changed and I’m repeating all the old habits of old nature Tina.
I know how cute this looks. And I know how good I have it. We’re watching church online while my kids hold their Bibles. I mean, come on! But folks, this was an ugly parenting day.
Knowing what God’s standards are only makes it harder. And this is the exact point Paul’s making in chapter 7. The law cannot transform the old nature; it can only reveal how sinful that old nature is. When I try to live under the law by following God’s standards, I’m only activating the old nature; I could never eradicate it. Because bottom line, the law cannot enable me to do good (W. W. Wiersbe).
What the law (God’s standards) is supposed to do, is show us that we keep missing it. Paul’s chapter 7 ramblings show us exactly that as he ends with:
I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me?
– Romans 7:24
I’m so glad Paul was this candid about his struggle against sin. It’s a relief because, hello, he’s the Apostle Paul!
But he turns a corner in Romans 8 where the ah ha! moment hits, and we can understand the fundamental difference between living for God and allowing His Spirit to live through us.
You see, there comes a moment in every Christian’s journey where, in the New Nature, we must stop saying, “I will now live for God!”, because we’ll always fail in that. True victory over sin is possible, but it cannot be won by us. No, it’s already been won by Christ! We must learn, as Paul did, that it is a matter of yielding, submitting, and letting the Spirit of God to live the Christian life through us.
As Paul said in another letter:
It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
– Galatians 2:20
(I’ve got a cool story about that verse which you can check out in this post!)
And that’s where we can finally begin to understand the beauty of Romans 8. You see, without chapter 7, there’s no way we could fully appreciate the profound truths of chapter 8.
Early in chapter 8, Paul establishes that,
The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it.
– Romans 8:4
He then goes to extreme lengths to show how deeply loved we are by God. That if we surrender to Christ, and allow His Spirit to live through us, there is NOTHING that can separate us from His love for us.
The following passage makes a great case for how my sin struggle doesn’t get to win. No matter how dark or discouraging it might feel.
Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times…. not even the worst sins listed in Scripture… None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus has embraced us.
– Romans 8:35-39
So listen y’all, secret’s out. I shared the truth about the ugly in my parenting. And though it pains me to be seen in that light, it’s liberating to know that because I’ve surrendered it to the Lord, I truly am free of it! And…
…in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
– Romans 8:37
So I don’t want to live in the defeat of a Romans 7 lawbreaker, but in the victory of a Romans 8 conqueror!
What’s in the Ears
Last blog post I introduced this segment where I’ll be sharing songs that have moved or inspired me! This song was heavy on my heart as I prepared this post. Enjoy!
Does this post resonate with you? We don’t like talking about our weaknesses, but if the Apostle Paul could do it, so can we! Let me know if this struck a chord!
For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures, and the encouragement they provide, we might have hope as we wait for God’s promises to be fulfilled.
– Romans 15:4
Confession #1: Did I combine two translations of that verse to make my point? Maybe. Does that make me a Bible scholar or a blasphemer? Hmmm nevermind, let’s carry on…
It goes without saying that the holidays were different this year. It seems like everyone I knew was missing someone they love. My family was no exception.
But the more I reflect on this past Christmas, and 2020 as a whole; or even now, at the dawn of 2021 with another Covid lockdown and ongoing political unrest, I can’t help but be filled with H O P E.
I mentioned in my last post (which you can read here) that I’m encouraged by seeing how my own life parallels the lives of those in the Scriptures. And I’m comforted when discovering that part of my journey mirrors that of someone in the Bible.
I get excited to think that maybe, just maybe, God’s going to do a really cool thing that I just never would’ve expected… just like He did in the Bible!
And that’s basically what Romans 15:4 is saying.
Paul is telling the persecuted church in Rome that the Old Testament writings play a HUGE role in teaching them how to live through hardship, in encouraging them through hardship, in reminding them of what God has done!
And all of this is meant to fill them with HOPE as they wait for God to deliver what He had promised.
Pretty sunset inspiring hope for a bright tomorrow
Confession #2: I have this thing that happens to me when someone opens up about a hardship they’re facing. I get [secretly VERY] excited. But not like when a new movie comes out, or when the server is heading your way with that Fettuccine Alfredo.
It’s more like this:
Hardship tells me that God is at work. In my mind, it’s just a simple equation. Going through something difficult builds my faith, stretches me, and forces me to be grow in ways I wouldn’t have otherwise. It sure is painful, and sometimes downright tragic! But if we place our hope in God, He ALWAYS works out all things for our good, and His glory. (Romans 8:28)
The God of Hopeless Situations
Adam and Eve being kicked out of paradise for disobeying God feels like a hopeless situation. (Gen. 3)
Abraham (with a barren wife), was promised by God that He’d make him into a great nation. But elderly Abraham still waiting decades for a son, feels like a hopeless situation. (Gen. 15-16, 21)
Joseph’s symbolic dreams of ruling over his family, only to be nearly killed, sold into slavery, wrongfully accused and imprisoned feels like a hopeless situation. (Gen. 37, 39-45)
Moses, an 80 year old fugitive with a stutter being called to free God’s chosen people out of slavery from the most powerful empire the world had ever known feels like a hopeless situation. (Ex. 2-5)
David, just a kid, overlooked by anyone who mattered, suddenly the king’s big strategy for military victory feels like a hopeless situation. (I Sam. 17)
Mary, doing everything right and still winding up pregnant while unmarried feels like a hopeless situation. (Luk. 1)
Kathleen’s successful mastectomy brings initial relief, but finding out the cancer has spread feels like a hopeless situation.
Lucas, arriving home from college for spring break, only to be the one to find his younger brother had just taken his life feels like a hopeless situation.
Tess falls in love with a man her family finally approves of, but when the physical and verbal abuse begin just moments into their honeymoon, she feels trapped in a hopeless situation.
Jack hitting rock bottom in his battle with alcohol dependency knowing he can no longer hide the truth of his addiction feels like a hopeless situation.
Paul, after countless interviews with no job in sight, and employment insurance about to run out feels like a hopeless situation.
Isla, pregnant and unsure if her baby will come home to daddy living with them feels like a hopeless situation.
These are all real people (some Biblical, some current), with real struggles that feel really hopeless.
But please friends!!! Don’t miss this! What we just read are snapshots. They’re not the big picture. Not the whole story. They’re just one angle, part way through the whole story!
God isn’t finished with you in the middle of your story. And He’s not finished with our grieving and broken world the way we’re seeing it right now.
From last NYE. Ringing in the new year with my main squeeze and no clue what 2020 had in store.
God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may only be aware of three of them.
– John Piper
Sometimes I think we’re so quick to tell God what He should do. That by speaking an action plan into a prayer, we’re somehow claiming it into fruition, and calling it bold faith.
We’re so quick to say that the Lord works in mysterious ways. (Isaiah 45:15) We say it almost flippantly! But do we believe it? God has always done unpredictable and unexpected things in His time.
I’ve learned that we’re much better off letting go of our expectations of what should happen, or when it should happen. Instead, let’s focus on just Him and more of Him in our lives!
He is still with us, still working, still has a plan. There is real comfort in His presence and He promises to NEVER leave us. Even in the hardship. ESPECIALLY IN THE HARDSHIP!
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
– Deuteronomy 31:8
Through whatever I’ve struggled through in my own life, my BIGGEST takeaway is this:
God’s faithfulness fills me with hope. Not only that, but His proven faithfulness…
to me personally
to those I know
and to those who’ve gone before us…
…tells me that He’s not going to break His track record of faithfulness on my current obstacle. This is not going to be the thing that tells the world, God can’t be trusted. God is not faithful. It just won’t be! It’s never happened before. And He will not break His track record of faithfulness through the ages on me. Or on you. Or, frankly, on this global implosion.
Ok, I’m out. Getting off my soap box and hoping this year will be the most pleasantly surprising one yet!
One final note: I’m starting a new thing with the blog this year!
At the end of each post will be a YouTube link to the song I’m currently vibing to.
Think of it as a sound wave from the overflow of my heart.
So much of what I write on here comes from the way I connect with God through the Scriptures, but also through song! So it made sense to share some of my favourites with you. This segment will be titled:
What’s in the Ears
Here’s the first!
This is a Christmas song (ish) and if you know me at all, you know I’m never in a rush to be done with Christmas. Well this one hits right in the feels at about 4:45. So, fair warning: tears may flow with this gem.
If you have thoughts, comments, or even prayer requests! Please let me know in the comments or send me a message! Hearing from you is sincerely a highlight of my days.
Christmas in the middle of a global pandemic… and just in time for another lockdown.
Words I never thought I’d type, unless I was writing a work of fiction. And sometimes that’s exactly what this all feels like.
Someone pinch me.
Since moving to Leamington nearly six years ago, our family visits Montreal to spend the holidays with our loved ones. So for me, pandemic Christmas means missing our family festivities for the first time in my life.
Not a tradition I was looking to break, if I’m being honest.
Home sweet home for Christmas
I’m trying not to be discouraged. I want to be positive, and cheerful, and I’m really trying to make the most of it. But honestly, I’m discouraged. I’m tired, and weary, and morale is so damn low. Because frankly, it sucks! And I’m just so disappointed.
And I know very well that I’m not the only one…
I often ask God how He could allow this to drag on the way it has. Doesn’t He understand how special Christmas is? Doesn’t He know how much we were looking forward to it, how much we need it? Especially after all we’ve been through! How could this be part of His plan?
I BELIEVE STRONGLY that misery loves company. Sharing our struggles with those who can relate is a huge consolation to us. It makes us feel seen, heard, and validated.
Well for me, this is no less true than when I dive into the Scriptures.
For the first time, I’m trying to take in the Christmas story by imagining myself as a woman living through the final scene of the 400 Years of Silence.
Yep! You read that right. 400 years of dead silence. Radio silence. Not-a-peep-from-God silence. After years of slavery, desert-wandering, war, famine, drought, and exile…
God. Said. Nothing.
Not a single word spoken through king, prophet, or priest.
Nothing. Just silence.
Ok now go there with me. How would you feel if your family was waiting for God to fulfill a big promise… and then still be waiting on it for hundreds and hundreds of years?
I’d be so over it. Honestly, I’m just not built for the kind of life of faith that kept God’s people faithful through much of the Old Testament.
But I guess that’s the point. They were not the faithful ones. He was. God was the Faithful One. Even when God’s people were faithless… even when we feel like we’ve lost hope or faith… God was, and is, still faithful. (II Timothy 2:13)
Even for us, this past year has often felt like endless, disappointing silence from the Lord. Waiting for restrictions to lift. Waiting for circumstances to change. Just waiting for the waiting to be over!
After all that waiting, and 400 years of silence, the Messiah finally enters the scene. Real deliverance was at hand! For so long God’s people had been waiting for redemption. For a Saviour. But it’s no wonder so many hardly noticed when Jesus arrived. The religious leaders who anticipated His coming didn’t recognize Him at all – and worse – they rejected the One born to save them.
They expected the might of a military power promised to them in the Scriptures.
Here’s one familiar passage that gave them this hope:
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
7 Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David’s throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever.
– Isaiah 9:6-7
So rather than a mighty ruler on a throne, what they got instead was a baby. And not just any baby. But a baby born into near-poverty, to a teenage mother, without a biological father. Oh, and on refugee status, to top it all off.
On one occasion, Jesus even told the religious leaders:
You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life.
– John 5:39-40
I can just picture myself as a woman in the first century. Waiting on the deliverance my family had been promised generations ago. Oppressed yet again by another governing power that’s doing nothing to honour the Lord…
Enter: Jesus.
Coming in all meek and mild – as one 18th century hymn writer put it. Giving no indication of any plans to stop the Roman oppression of God’s chosen people. Instead, He hardly addresses that elephant in the room at all, and talks instead of going the extra mile (Matt. 5:41), turning the other cheek (Matt. 5:39), giving to Caesar what is Caesar’s (Mark 12:17). Umm what?! Talk about a letdown! I’d be so confused. And fully understand why Jesus was rejected by so many.
But we know now that God wasn’t turning up on earth in the form of a baby to save Israel politically. He was doing so much more than that.
Because of His great love, His plan was to save us from the burden of sin and the consequence of death. Not because of our own goodness, but because of His great mercy. (Titus 3:5)
He was after soul transformation. Just as He still is today. For His kingdom is not of this world. (John 18:36)
So even if nothing changes externally, God’s working to change everything internally. To turn our hearts of stone into hearts of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26) To transform us from the inside out. If we’ll just let Him.
Don’t we still long for comfort in this waiting though? That’s why I’m reminded of these words from the great prophet Isaiah, and my heart soars… with the eagle’s nest. (Michael Scott, anyone?)
Writing with this view has been good for the soul.
I’ve included the link below to Isaiah 40 and even though it’s long, I promise you it’s SO worth the read.
Just note that this isn’t a typical Christmas passage, with the warm fuzzies turned up to Buddy the Elf festive levels. However, as I reflect upon it over this unique of Christmas days, it’s blessing me so much. I pray it does the same for you as well.
So pour yourself a holiday bevvy (coffee with eggnog and spiced rum for me) and curl up in front of your lit tree. Then take a moment to reflect on these words of comfort amidst this seemingly endless season of waiting.
Life may not look the way you want it to. It certainly doesn’t to me. Not by a long shot! But let’s wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14) And let’s just see what He does with this hot mess.
Isaiah 40
“Comfort, comfort my people,” says your God. 2 “Speak tenderly to Jerusalem. Tell her that her sad days are gone…….
As this is my last blog post of 2020, I also want to take this opportunity to express my deep gratitude for you, dear reader. Your dedicated readership has given me this special opportunity to write through this past year, and that blesses me more than I can begin to express in typed word.
Basic selfie where the magic happens at Starbucks Leam! Snapped when I wrote the bulk of this post, before lockdown hit and I could no longer write at my favourite spot.
One final passage before signing off because it’s too good and i can’t help myself…
24 ‘May the Lord bless you and protect you. 25 May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. 26 May the Lord show you His favor and give you His peace.’
– Numbers 6:24-26
I pray the Lord’s blessing and favour over you and your loved ones in 2021. Cheers to new beginnings! For if we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. (Romans 14:8)
Ok, I lied. I guess I did have one more Bible verse… don’t @ me.
But actually, please @ me (AKA: send me a comment, message, etc!) I really love to hear from you! Merry Christmas! Byeeeeeeeeee
You’re going to be such a great mom! You are a natural! You grew up mothering your brothers, motherhood will come so easily to you! You were always so good with kids, you’re going to love being a mom!
My first introduction to motherhood: my baby brother
On New Year’s Day 1988, my parents welcomed their first born son, and my own introduction to motherhood was born. I was 18 months old when my first of two brothers joined the ranks of our family, and I wastedno time in mothering and smothering him. Despite the bottle-drinking and diaper-wearing, no one bothered to tell me I was a baby myself! Or maybe I just tuned them out…?
Growing up, I was drawn to the role of a stay-at-home mom so I’d get to be the primary influence in my children’s lives before they went to school.
It just seemed like the natural fit for me to be home with my children. I mean, I was always told I’d be a natural, and don’t we all want to work in our natural strengths?
Well after my first miscarriage, which you can read about here, my mind was made up: I’d take the necessary steps to be home with any babies the Lord would bless us with.
So, twenty-four years after my first introduction to motherhood (when my brother was born on New Year’s Day), I had the privilege of welcoming my first born son on New Year’s Eve 2012. I was elated. And felt every positive emotion you can imagine.
Pregnancy was cute and easy. Motherhood, not so much.
Within a few days of returning home with our precious rainbow baby. Every positive emotion turned on me, and darkness enveloped my dream-come-true.
I was in terrible pain from birthing my son. Despite an epidural and smooth delivery, I was not healing as well as expected. Actually, nothing was going as well as expected. There were so many things I didn’t know. So many things nobody told me.
You see, when you’re told your entire life that you’re going to be a natural, you don’t bother doing the research, and learning the things, and actually preparing yourself!
Mama Tina as a baby herself, circa ’88
So really, I blame no one but myself. I knew motherhood would be an adjustment.
But I hadn’t a clue what I was in for after the baby bump selfies were over and the fourth trimester started. I hadn’t even heard of a fourth trimester!
No one told me…
that birthing the placenta would be so painful
the very real level of exhaustion I would feel when it’s all done
what a huge effect hormonal changes could have on me
nursing would hurt as much as it did
about tongue ties
my baby would never sleep ever
about jaundice
I could stop nursing if it’s too hard
it’s ok to get help
it’s ok if you need a break
it’s ok to cry
my mind would play tricks on me in the darkness
No one told me. Because no one knew.
I kept all the dark, hurt, pain, shame, and fears to myself. I was supposed to be a natural. I was supposed to love this. I was supposed to know what to do, and do it all so effortlessly well.
I was ashamed of letting down all the people who expected me to thrive as a mother. All the while the opposite was happening. And I was so confused.
Taken when our son was 7 days old. All I remember was feeling like my mind was disconnected from my body. So surreal.
I am a total amateur when it comes to this, but humour me with some details I knew NOTHING about when it really mattered…. And had I known then what I know now, I’m sure I wouldn’t have felt so…. messed up?
#Science and words like that
A mother’s body produces hormones that help her and baby through the birthing process. Here are some important ones:
Oxytocin – hormone of love
Endorphins – hormone of pain relief
Adrenaline – hormone of survival
Prolactin – hormone of mothering
These all work together to give the body what it needs to birth baby, bond with baby, and eventually breastfeed baby.
After baby is born, mom still rides high on that wave of hormones (not to mention estrogen, progesterone, and more… but let’s keep things simple). Then, once milk comes in, IF milk comes in, all the hormones start to change, level out, and can often, crash.
I’m still fuzzy about some of this, but after all these years, I finally have a clearer understanding of what I was going through on a purely physical level.
I didn’t understand that my struggle wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t a reflection of my love, or desire, for my child. I wasn’t being selfish. I was literally unable to control how I felt.
This is how it all unfolded:
Within a day or two of coming home with our newborn son, the highs of birthing him came crashing down.
Why yes, that is a cradle for dolls. Which is exactly what my brother was to me.
Like I said, I was in more physical pain from birth than I could have EVER anticipated. But my own recovery took an immediate backseat to the needs of my son.
He was jaundice at birth, but not enough to warrant treatment at the hospital. Well, when a baby is only mildly jaundice, it’s recommended that the toxin is flushed out of his system the most natural way possible: wet diapers.
Enter: Mom’s milk.
For a newborn who’s exclusively breastfed, getting those diapers wet is exclusively mama’s responsibility.
The pressure to help my son get over his jaundice was unbearable. I mean literally I could not bear this load of responsibility.
Because of the lethargy brought on by jaundice, we’d wake our son every two hours, around the clock to feed. His lethargic state also meant it took him about an hour to eat enough. I’d try to sleep for the hour before the process started all over again.
Maybe this wouldn’t have been so bad if the following factors were not contributing to this living hell. (a term I don’t use lightly, as this was the darkest season of my life.)
I remember being relieved that my husband was holding our son for this picture because I just couldn’t muster the desire to hold him myself.
Darkness, literally.
When your baby’s born in the middle of winter (December 31), you’re in the very depths of the shortest days of the year. Daylight hours are precious and few; and the bitter cold and snow of Montreal winters didn’t do me much good either. January and February are statistically the most depressing months of the year, and boy did I ever learn why.
Because I was spending so many hours awake to nurse my son, it felt like it was always the middle of the night.
I have memories nursing him in a rocking chair by my bedroom window. Around 4pm every day, my heart would start racing, my arms would begin to shake uncontrollably… I was having panic attacks each day as the sun would set. Dreading another very long, dark night of nursing. Feeling like I was the only person awake on the entire planet.
And I should have sought help for that.
I’d rather give birth
Does anyone use that as an expression when you don’t want to do something difficult? Well either way, I remember repeating it in my head over and over and over and over every time I had to nurse my son.
I’d rather give birth than nurse this baby…
You may be asking yourself, why?
The truth is, I hadn’t experienced anything as painful as nursing my son. It felt like daggers were being stabbed into me for an hour straight. I’m sorry for the TMI, but like, it’s the internet. I’m sure you’ll see worse today.
The excruciating pain I felt in nursing was mostly attributed to my son’s tongue tie. Because of my experience, I now urge anyone who’ll listen to please get a professional to check your baby’s tongue at birth! This was not done for my son, because like I said, I just didn’t know!
A nurse doing house calls came to check on us when my son was a week old. She had the sense to assess him and sure enough, he needed minor surgery to correct the tongue tie.
In retrospect, I should have stopped. For my own mental health, I should have pumped to bottle feed, or fed him formula, or something. The mental strain of seasonal depression with excruciating pain in nursing, and hormones out of whack was all just too much.
My days felt like an out-of-body experience. It’s like I was outside my own body just watching it all unfold in slow motion. Weeping through every nursing session in the dark. Trying desperately to get some sleep. It was just so hard.
And I should have sought help for that.
Six weeks after giving birth, I tried to “take a walk” for the first time. I walked only a few houses down the street and came right back. It was overwhelming.
A wave of shame
I have a memory that still haunts me to this day. My son was weeks old. We had some family over, I can’t remember more details than that, but I remember my mother holding my son. She was sitting across the table from me and looking at me with a look of apprehension and curiosity.
She then asked me if I wanted to hold my baby.
I remember staring blankly, void of emotion, and simply saying, “Not right now.”
I then excused myself to my bedroom where I just stared at my reflection in the mirror. Silent tears streaming down my face, wondering who that stranger was staring back at me.
I couldn’t recognize myself to save my life. Who was this girl? Where was that natural mother? That maternal instinct? That woman who was great with kids and always knew what to do? Where was she?
I felt nothing but shame. And I buried that deep, deep inside.
You see, the truth is that I didn’t want to hold my son. I had no desire to even touch him unless I had to nurse him. Because when you spend 12 out of 24 hours of your day in excruciating pain just to feed your baby, you literally have nothing left to give.
And I should have sought help for that.
Postpartum, months later
A few months had passed, and though nursing was less painful, I was not yet thriving. In fact, I was barely surviving. Normal, mundane tasks were monumental feats that I had to prepare for mentally. Things like family gatherings and attending church only served to trigger my anxiety and I was usually tense in any social setting.
I remember being approached by a woman at our church in Montreal who asked me if I wanted to attend a weekday women’s Bible study now that I was on maternity leave.
My son was about three months old at the time, so according to the baby textbooks:
Baby should be on a well-established routine, but still sleep relatively easily in a carseat or carrier. This makes it easy, and almost fun, to tote baby around for errands and social gatherings!
Well if this were true of me and my baby, I would surely have delighted in the opportunity of attending a women’s Bible study. I freakin’ love women. I freakin’ love the Bible. I freakin’ love to study! You get the picture… literally my favourite things. It was a recipe for success!
Instead, I burst out crying in the middle of the foyer and had to excuse myself. But not before blubbering out, “Perhaps some other time.”
Even three months later, my postpartum anxiety and depression were as real as ever. The thought of getting myself out of the house on a regular basis for a specific time each week sent me spiralling. I was just so overwhelmed.
At 8 months postpartum and in the middle of summer, I finally began to feel like myself.
Crawling out of the pit
When my son was about six months old, he was no longer interested in nursing and began to wean himself. It took about four months before nursing him was no longer painful, so it was a little disappointing that our journey together was ending when we were just getting the hang of it.
He also started sleeping through the night at six months old which was a huge game changer for my mental state.
Postpartum depression vs. Sleep deprivation
First moments as a mom of two babies. Beyond exhausted, but not nearly as lost as the first time around.
When our eldest was 18 months old, we welcomed a second son into our family. This little one was born at the end of June which is worth noting as the time of year with the most daylight hours. Trust me, we definitely planned and prayed for that.
It’s hard to believe, but our second son was an even worse sleeper than our first. Although, he thankfully had no issues with nursing, he had absolutely no interest in sleeping.
Looking back, I can attest to the fact that sleep deprivation is just not the same as postpartum blues or depression. Although my mind does go to dark places when I’m sleep deprived for long periods of time, the experience is vastly different.
With my second son, I was beyond exhausted, but still functional. Chasing an 18 month old while caring for a newborn was a pretty hard, I won’t lie. But I did it. And I could still go out and make plans and do life. I was just a dead tired while doing it. For example, when our second was 7 weeks old, I stood as maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding. And not to brag, but it went pretty damn well. Exhausting, but still amazing.
Nothing compares to the dark, overwhelmed feeling I had the first time around. When I didn’t recognize myself. When months went by before I wanted to be around my baby. When I couldn’t carry on a conversation without unravelling in tears.
I wish I knew it was ok to get help.
Third Time’s a Charm
When our third baby was born nearly three years ago, I’m relieved to say that I didn’t struggle with any of the same postpartum issues I had previously faced. Though healing from a C-section brought its own challenges, the pure joy of motherhood that I longed for in those early days, yet always eluded me, was finalized realized in my daughter. It was redemptive. And I’m really grateful.
Going from 2 to 3 had its own challenges with a C-section thrown into the mix. Still, nothing as dark as my first postpartum experience. Thank you, Jesus.
So I dedicate this post to all new mamas, moms-to-be, those considering motherhood…. please, PLEASE reach out to someone if you’re struggling in postpartum. It can hit any one of us. And not even with just your first! I think we’re past the stigma of seeing a shrink, or going on medication, or crying in public. So please just do the thing and get the help! I wish someone told me that. But I just didn’t know. And I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
If you’re still here and I haven’t scared you off, tell me, does this resonate with you? If you’re a mother, would you care to share about your own postpartum experience? I’d love to hear from you!
In January, my little blog on this corner of internet will be celebrating its first anniversary since launch!
As I’ve been reflecting on this milestone, it occurred to me that after nearly an entire year of writing, I haven’t written about food even once. In fact, the one time I did blog about food, I wrote about NOT eating it! I mean, for crying out loud…! If you’re curious, it was a post on intermittent fasting which you can check out here.
Perhaps this holds little significance to you, but you see, I’m actually obsessed with food and I just don’t know how I went this long without sharing my sweet, sweet love with the world.
So since the holiday season of coziness is upon us, it felt like the right time to share my most favourite soup recipe in the world. And probably in my top 3 of favourite recipes ever.
The makings of the soup of the gods
If chocolate is a pair of stilettos, soup is a warm and cozy blanket, and this fall season sure is craving exactly that.
My middle was especially keen to help when I told him I was preparing our favourite soup.
Confession:
I should probably mention that although I love food, I’m not a great cook. I’m not creative in the kitchen, and I don’t love the process of putting a meal together.
If you want to eat a high-quality meal with all the best ingredients and pairings, talk to my husband. The dishes he puts together for our date nights rival just about anything I’ve enjoyed at a fancy eatery. You can drool over some of our favourite meals and date night tips here!
The beginning of chicken broth
In case you’ve lost all confidence in my culinary skills, be comforted to know that this soup is my grand exception.
Broth separated from chicken and veggies
Just over five years ago, my husband and I moved our family a 10+ hour drive away from Montreal. Among other losses, this also meant giving up all our favourite homemade Greek meals that my mother and grandmothers regularly prepared for us. Well, let me tell you, I didn’t miss any of their meals as much as I missed this soup!
Chicken pieces separated from bone, fat, and skin
When we moved into our new place at the beginning of September that year, all the fall feels were screaming for a cozy cup of soup to help make our house feel like home. I did my best to duplicate the recipe, and the first few attempts were crap, to put it mildly.
A few years and many revisions later, I am so proud to say that my version is sooooooo delicious. I personally think it’s better than my grandmother’s (don’t tell her!), whose soup I would have ranked in first place back then. Sorry, γιαγιά…
Two of the three ingredients to make the frothy-creamy broth (the third is the chicken broth itself!)
In Greek, the name of this chicken noodle soup is literally translated as egg lemon.
avgo = egg lemoni = lemon
Avgolemono…. Greek lemon chicken soup!
This couscous noodle is my favourite and most traditional noodle choice for this soup. For those local to me, I’ve only found it at Food Basics in the pasta aisle. You can also use rice to make it gluten-free.
The Egg
The addition of the egg is what makes this chicken noodle soup so unique. The creamy and frothy texture is achieved while still keeping the dish dairy-free! There’s no milk, heavy cream, or butter, but you’ll find the thick and creamy consistency to still be amazing!
The Lemon
Ok but what would a Greek recipe be without lemon? Bland and tasteless, that’s what! Lemon, garlic, and oregano are the staples of any Greek dish and this soup is no exception. Except in this case, hold the garlic and oregano, and add lots and lots of lemon!
My sweet little helpers. Lemon-squeezing is hard work!
Nostalgic Vibes and Feels…
Besides the colder weather begging for a bowl of yummy soup, the fast approaching Christmas season is making me more nostalgic than ever, and only adding to my strong desire for this type of comfort food meal.
Since Covid restrictions are keeping us from visiting family for the holidays, I’ve been especially drawn to familiar things that remind of me of loved ones in Montreal. And this soup sure is on the top of that list.
When I make it, the taste and smells transport me instantly to the kitchens of my mother and grandmothers where they lovingly prepared this soup throughout my life. May it bring you the same comfort that it has always brought me!
Alright, I’ll spare you any further nostalgic musings and get right down to the recipe. Here you go and you’re welcome!
Add water in large pot with carrots, celery, onion, chicken stock, olive oil, salt. Bring to a boil. (Keep the veggies relatively whole. You’ll be removing them later so the bigger they are, the easier it is.)
Add chicken.
Bring to a boil and then turn down to medium-high heat until chicken is cooked through and veggies are soft. (This is the flavour base of your soup so feel free to let it go for a good long while. I lower heat to low and allow it to simmer for a couple of hours)
Remove all veggies and chicken.
Add half of the carton of broth and bring to a boil. (You can also add more boiled water if you feel broth needs a little top up)
Add the couscous noodles until cooked.**
Wait until chicken cools a little, then remove bone and fat. Cut chicken into bite sizes.
Once noodled are cooked, pour remaining half of chicken broth carton into a blender.
Add eggs and lemon juice and blend together until foamy and frothy (a few seconds). Pour into pot.
Add chicken pieces back into the pot and serve.
Add salt and pepper or additional lemon juice to taste.
Broth before and after the addition of the egg and lemon mixture
*Note: I make this in shifts. I’ll boil everything first thing in the morning to allow the broth to simmer for a good, long while. I often enjoy the boiled veggies with my lunch since I have no other plans for them in the soup itself. *These quantities feed my family of five with plenty left for second helpings and subsequent days of leftovers. Feel free to adjust your quantities. Also, I eyeball a lot, so usually end up making it a little differently each time. Still, I do think these quantities are pretty consistent. **The couscous noodles can be substituted by rice, or other gluten free options to make it gluten-free.
Enjoy!
A delicious cold weather pick-me-up!
If you try this recipe, PLEASE tell me! And if you include any variations that you’re happy with, I would love to know to try them myself!
In the recent years, my husband and I got a handle on our finances and it has been SO. FLIPPIN. FREEING!!!!
We didn’t start new jobs or get promotions, we didn’t downsize our home, we didn’t sell a vehicle, we didn’t do anything particularly drastic or noteworthy.
Our approach to money simply changed.
I know many of my readers have loads more life experience and money experience than I. But some of you don’t! So this one’s for you (but also me, because sometimes I have the memory of goldfish).
And although you could get a plethora of wiser financial advice out there from the actual experts, I’m excited to share the little changes that have made a big difference.
Just another basic Tina makin’ it rain
When It Doesn’t Add Up
Before I get into the good, the bad, and the ugly, I can’t talk about money without talking about the Divine. Although most of this post has to do with our own efforts in getting a grip on money and spending, it has ONLY been by God’s grace that we are in the position we’re in.
When we left Montreal just over five years ago, I also left a teaching career. It’s no secret that teachers don’t make great money, but it’s still a liveable salary. And for our family of four, we certainly depended on it.
Well by faith, we gave that up. And since then I’ve learned two things about God and money:
God is sovereign God is in control of my life. That includes my money and my struggles with money. Somehow, in ways that cannot be explained by my finite brain and limited vocabulary, we always have enough. Always. It just doesn’t add up. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that we’re swimming in pools of dollar bills. We hardly ever have as much I wish we’d have. But our needs have always been met. Always.
In God’s economy, the more we’ve given away, the more we’ve been blessed with in return. Every time. We tithe regularly, but still find other opportunities to give on a more sporadic basis and sometimes it’s a real sacrifice to do so. Whenever that happens, we receive anonymous gifts, unexpected government cheques, lower utility bills than budgeted for, etc. God is sovereign. And somehow, He always works it out when we trust Him with it.
God expects good stewardship Just because we have all we need, doesn’t mean we get to live foolishly. Whatever has been entrusted to us should be stewarded wisely. The term steward literally means to be responsible for the care of something that doesn’t belong to you. I believe that whatever I have, actually belongs to God and that I’m simply given responsibility to care for it. Therefore, my money isn’t actually mine to spend how I wish.
To be clear, it’s not that I believe God will smite me if I buy one (or three) too many Starbucks coffees this week. But that we have the freedom to do with our money what we wish, and still we choose to honour God with it. Just because God has been faithful to always provide for us in the past, doesn’t give us free rein to spend frivolously and say, “God will provide for my needs, even though I’ve spent all my money on my wants.”
That said, the bulk of this post will tackle the good stewardship I’m still learning and hope my own journey will be a blessing to you too.
Debt Consolidation
If you’ve been adulting for more than a hot minute, you know that debt consolidation is probably the most obvious place to start with money management.
Disclaimer: This also happens to be the least sexy part of any money talk. So let’s just get it over with.
The word debt in itself, for lack of a better term, is so bluuuhhhhhhh, in my humble opinion. It can be the source of so much stress and strife. Which is why managing it in a way that works for you is the logical first step.
The hard thing about debt is that it’s spending today’s money on the past.
It feels like such a waste! When a pay check comes in, I want the freedom to use that money for expenses, of course, but also to plan for the future! Things like saving for a vacation, home renovations and upgrades, and lots of other boring fun adult things!
But it can feel crippling to see much of the money coming in, go right back out to pay off things you’ve…
already purchased
already completed
already visited
already studied
already lived in
already drove
already ate
already done and over with!
Just already ready to move on… So the sooner we can sort out a way to manage, and ultimately, clear that debt, the better off we’ll be. This is what I tell myself!
A few years ago we combined the various loans we were paying off into one low-interest loan. This was a huge weight off of our shoulders and alleviated much of the stress of paying off debt. We were able to see light at the end of that tunnel. Rather than a long, dark tunnel of built up interest. Another non-sexy word.
Pretty piggybanks distract from the horror that is debt. But like, barely.
Track Your Spending
Before you can put a budget together that best reflects your income and expenses, it helps to know how much money actually goes towards each of your various expenses.
For example, I assumed that way more of our money went to groceries than it actually did before we consistently tracked our spending. Since I’d often add housewares, clothes, and other items to a grocery bill, I didn’t really have any idea how much we actually spent on just food each month!
The wonderful world of spreadsheets
I am not a numbers person by any stretch of the imagination. Balancing a budget does not come naturally to me. Thankfully, my husband can throw together a pretty impressive spreadsheet. To me, it looks like wizardry, but it’s actually quite simple.
Our fixed expenses have been set up for automatic withdrawal such as our mortgage, hydro, insurance, etc.
Side note: If you’re not already, I do recommend this if you have a fixed and predictable income.
But other monthly expenses without a fixed rate fall under the following categories:
Groceries Food and just food
Discretionary Eating out, gifts, makeup, clothes, toys, activities, decor, etc. This also includes any items we want but don’t necessarily need
My favourite thing about tracking our spending is that it’s eliminated the element of surprise. I remember hoping we’d have enough money at our disposal by next pay, and that was stressful and dumb. Now, no more!
Make a Budget and Stick to It
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that line…
I just wish it didn’t take me so long to actually do it!
So once you’ve got an idea of WHERE your money is going, you are now better informed for making a budget that will actually work for you, rather than make you feel chained to something that doesn’t reflect your spending and lifestyle.
Personally, there were areas in our life of spending where purchases were made too frivolously or carelessly. As a result, we didn’t always have the money to spend on things we actually wanted more than some arbitrary impulsive item!
So as a result of sticking to our budget, we’ve found real freedom in being more mindful of our purchases because it’s actually freed up money that would otherwise be wasted needlessly.
Do I need it, or do I want it?
Those who buy what they do not need steal form themselves.
– Swedish Proverb
Another super easy way to manage spending! I credit my husband for this one as he started asking himself this question when he’d be out shopping and realized how little he actually needed.
In the moment, holding an item you really want can feel so much like a really NEEEEEEEED item! But putting it down, walking away, and getting back to the rest of your real life has a way of putting it all into perspective. Sure, there’s moments when I still think about certain items. I’ll mull it over, look at our budget, and if I decide I still want it, AND it fits within our spending goals, then I’ll buy it.
Immediate gratification is a hard thing to unlearn, but it’s not impossible. I am a testament to that! Not perfect, still a work in progress, but not impossible.
Culture of Consumption
That brings me to my next point: the consumption culture in which we live.
You don’t have to look hard to find ads that tell you you’re worth it or just do it. The inclination to gratify and satisfy our desires does not have to be learnt. Pair that with products that are no longer made to last, and you’ve got yourself a revolving door for every shiny, new gadget that money can buy. And if you haven’t got the money – then credit. Credit could buy it.
I honestly never thought we’d get a handle on our finances. So much of my spending habits became exactly what habits often are: second nature, impulsive, and just not well thought through.
But like all other habits, this too can be broken.
It’s been downright liberating to step back and realize how easily we can get by without. Just without. Without the newest, biggest, fanciest, latest, greatest anything!
And lastly….
Anyone else’s kids have more disposable income in their piggybanks than you’ve seen since you had your own piggybank? Just me? Cool.
Inexpensive Alternatives
I still like having pretty clothes and a tastefully decorated home.
I know both are subjective. So if you think I get dressed in my sleep or have my toddler decorate our home, then you probably won’t love the tips that follow.
Here’s how I get the most out of our budget:
Avoid shopping at the most expensive grocery stores I do about 80% of our grocery shopping at Food Basics. It’s not the cheapest but it’s definitely not the most expensive. I couldn’t believe how much it lowered our grocery bill when I began to shop there regularly. So for generic products like cereal, yogurt, canned goods, and frozen pizza, it doesn’t really make a difference in quality, but it certainly makes a difference in cost.
Some of our favourite items can be found at Superstore, but I find them significantly more expensive so I tend to avoid doing a whole grocery haul there if I can help it.
Fruit stands are my go-to for fresh and cheap produce during spring, summer, and autumn seasons. You can read about my favourites here!
Shop Secondhand FIRST Every season, the kids need new clothes. It’s just the reality of growing weeds. In anticipation of the change of seasons, I like to check out a nearby consignment store called Once Upon a Child, as well as our local Value Village, and Facebook Marketplace for some quality pieces. If you haven’t shopped secondhand, you don’t even know the thrill of finding gems for dirt cheap. I highly recommend it!
Shop the Sales Rack SECOND Whether in-store or online, sales sections are goldmines for liquidated items. If I don’t find what I’m looking for at my go-to secondhand stops, the sales section is my next stop in helping my dollar go a long way. For some of my favourite shops and other fashion musings, check out this post!
Shop Out-of-Season ALWAYS Another thrill-seeker’s satisfying discovery: out-of-season items are also significantly reduced. Kids need swimsuits next year? Buy them in the fall. New winter boots? Pick them up in the spring. These items are brand new but so cheap because the demand for them is next to nada when out of season!
This top was $1.97 brand new and I’ll probably brag about that score until the day I breathe my last. Cheers to the thrill of saving a buck.
Save Save Save
Do not save what is left after spending, but spend what is left after saving.
– Warren Buffett
Part of our monthly budget accounts for our tithe (church and charitable donations), and savings.
For savings, we decided on a fixed amount per month and transfer that amount to a separate account right on payday. If there’s an emergency that requires the use of that money, we know it’s right there and available.
However, if we waited until there was enough money to save, we’d never save any of it. There’s always something else to buy, or do, and never enough money for all of it. So by limiting ourselves to what we’ve set for spending ahead of time, we never have to hope that there will be some money left to save.
Bite-Size Savings
Something new we tried in the last year, was to put aside a small amount of money each week out of our discretionary spending for a specific purchase. In this case, for our family vacation! We didn’t really feel the pinch of that bite-sized savings. But we were really glad to pay off our family vacation without dipping into our main savings or charging it to credit. This has probably been the most satisfying financial thing we’ve ever done. It felt like we went away for free!
Final thoughts…
I am no financial guru. Big surprise. However, I can attest to the happy irony that more restrictions on spending, actually result in more financial freedom. It doesn’t make sense, but it works.
I’ve still got a long way to go and lots to learn. Do you have any special tips or suggestions in making money work for you? Let me know in the comments!
From The Overflow 