Month: February 2022

Triggered

Published on by tinavila204 Comments

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I hadn’t planned to share this. I actually have several posts written, edited, and ready to go that’ll bring us all the way to Easter!

But… life is life.

It’s unpredictable and messy, and I figured, honesty really is the best policy.

A month after Covid-19 forced us into lockdown, I wrote a blog post about how things were going for our family. You can read it HERE. To this day, it’s one of my most popular posts and I can guess why. Looking back, it feels surreal. Life already felt hard and drastically different, but I was PUMPED. I took it all in stride and our family did pretty well despite life shutting down around us.

Fast forward a couple of years and I’m realizing it’s taken a toll. I find myself triggered by lots of things that seem to fall into either one of two categories.

Exhibit A: Trigger

Trigger 1: Internal

  • Preparing daily meals
  • Managing the home
  • Overstimulation of my children’s play, fights, noise, and overall needs
  • Being far from family and doing it all myself

Trigger 2: External

  • Increased divisiveness and tribalism
  • Polarizing politics
  • Winter
  • Covid, all things Covid
Exhibit B: Winter Trigger

I guess it finally hit me. I reached a breaking point. The best way I can think to describe it is triggered. Everything is a trigger. My body keeps reacting physically to what it’s processing mentally.

I’ll look out the window, notice snow on my driveway, and start to hyperventilate. I’ll read a Facebook status about mandates, skim the comments, and burst out crying. My kids will ask me a question about weekend plans and I feel my chest heavy and tightening and I can’t catch a breath.

The truth is, I’m grieved. The external triggers I mentioned fill me with sadness. Mostly because of how broken our world has become. Like when loved ones are not speaking to each other because of differing worldviews. Or when people choose to no longer engage with church in person because the mandates go against their personal convictions. All of it overwhelms me with grief.

Important Disclaimer:

I don’t agree with everything the government has mandated, but I am aware enough to know that the position I’ve come to and the conclusions I’ve drawn are not shared by everyone. I understand that we all see things differently and feel things differently and we’re all triggered by different things too.

I wish we could all still find a way to come together anyway. It’s the fractured relationships that overwhelm me with grief.

Like that line that says: a mother can only be as happy as her saddest child.

Oh hey! Just me hangin’ on by a thread! 😉

Sometimes, I feel that way. I miss what we had, and know in many ways it’ll never be the same. And it’s not that I want to go back, because I am convinced that many changes have been for the good. This trying time has revealed a lot. But the numbers don’t lie. Mental health issues are at an all-time high and people are struggling to keep it together.

I just wish people were more gracious. More compassionate and understanding.

I’ve had to ask myself, how could I possibly be right about everything? If we were honest with ourselves, and willing to recognize that we couldn’t possibly be right all the time, or that our preferred political party couldn’t possibly be getting it right every time, then maybe, just maybe, we could actually find a middle ground.

I digress… the fact is that trying to carry on like all is normal within such abnormal context is unsustainable.

I think it could be done for a short period of time, maybe a few weeks, or even a month, but two years? Impossible. We’re really starting to see the cracks.

So what’s the solution?

It feels embarrassing and terrifying to admit, but maybe it’ll help someone who’s going through this too.

To be honest, I have found it hard to pray. Tears come too easily these days, and I just don’t have the mental energy for it. I fear that if I give in to the tears, I’ll never stop and just drown in them. So, it’s been a lot of stuffing down and being strong and brave and positive and hopeful.

Before you @ me, I know… I know this isn’t healthy, and I promise I’m working through it.

But the Scriptures help! And here’s why:

  • The God I meet in the Bible is unchanging
    While I change, God doesn’t.
    While my husband changes, God doesn’t.
    While my kids change, God doesn’t.
    While the governing powers change, God doesn’t.
    While mandates change, God doesn’t.
    While people change, God doesn’t.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

– James 1:17

Let me ask it this way:

  • Don’t we all want something solid to stand on in these times?
  • Something that can hold the weight of us?
  • Something that won’t give way under us and cause us to stumble?
  • Something that won’t crumble under the weight of our mental burdens?

God is that. God can do that. God doesn’t change. God can handle our messy.

So I do a lot of that – reading the Scriptures. The Psalms are comforting. The Proverbs are instructive. Lamentations is relatable, and Jesus is the best, especially in John’s Gospel.

Basically, the Scriptures are full of moment after moment of God waiting for His people and drawing them back to Himself. In the gospel of Luke, Jesus is mourning over Jerusalem not long before His arrest, and says this:

“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let Me.

– Luke 13:34

There have been many moments over the last two years when I’ve sensed God saying the same thing to His people. How He longs to be near us in hard times but we don’t go to Him. We numb with social media, we gravitate to the same echo chamber of voices that repeat the same narrative we ascribe to, and we push out the voices that trigger us. And sometimes that voice may be God’s.

We feel too angry to go to Him. Too hurt to be held by His tender embrace. Too wounded to go to Him for healing. Too scared to be honest about what we really feel.

It’s stupid, is what it is. But it’s human too. And people have been rejecting God’s healing touch long before the day Jesus mourned over Jerusalem.

Remember Adam and Eve? Do you remember the first thing they did after the disobeyed God and ate the forbidden fruit?

They hid. They tried to hide from an omniscient God. As if He didn’t know where they were. As if He didn’t already know what they did. And we do this too.

Obviously, you’re not coming here to find out how it all ends. And though I wish I had some answers, I’m just here being honest. Looking for friendship, community, solidarity, and love. And if you are too, I hope you find it here! But mostly, I hope you find what you’re looking for in Jesus. Because I can say with confidence that even in these heavy, dark, triggering days…

He is my refuge and strength, a constant help in troubling times

– Psalm 46:1 (my edits)

What’s in the Ears

I have found “traditional” worship music difficult to listen to in the past month or two. My heart can’t seem to take it. So I’ve gravitated to more serene tunes and the lyrics of this song have basically been my anthem. I hope you enjoy it!

Friend, tell me about your heart in this season? Does any of this resonate? Let me know in the comments, send me a DM, and share with a friend too!

Podcast version available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Anchor!

Beyond My Realm of Knowledge

Published on by tinavila20Leave a comment

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When I was in university, there was a running joke between my classmates and I about a clever phrase to use whenever we didn’t know how to answer a question.

To avoid the embarrassment of being called on by a professor and forced to admit that we didn’t know the correct answer… or worse! Being on a teaching placement as a teacher-in-training, and being stumped by the question of a sassy high schooler, we’d simply reply with:

That’s beyond my realm of knowledge

It’s just a pretentious way of saying: I haven’t a clue… Beats me… Or the classic: I don’t know!

Well, more than 15 years after that nugget of wisdom was born, I find myself more comfortable disclosing my intellectual limitations.

For one, I haven’t been in such a structured academic setting in a long time. So I am admittedly rusty. However, more importantly, I’m realizing what many wiser people ahead of me have come to discover as well:

The more you know, the more you realize you don’t know.

I don’t mean this to sound self-deprecating, so I hope that doesn’t come across. The truth is, that this applies to so much of life.

For example, before having my kids, I knew everything there was to know about being a parent. The older my kids get, the more there is to it. We’re growing and learning together. The answers were simple when they were babies, but they are becoming increasingly complex as their very lives do as well.

And so I find this to be true in my walk with Jesus too.

Answers came easy when I was young! Now? Not so much. On the one hand, life is more complex than I realized, and on the other hand, God is more complex than I realized. But that’s a good thing!

It’s comforting to know there’s so much outside my realm of knowledge. Even as I seek to understand, learn, and grow, there is so much yet to be discovered about who God is and how He works. The more I know, the more I want to know. And I hope that’s contagious.

Knowing About vs Truly Knowing

I’m reminded of James 2:19, where James tells his readers that even demons believe God exists, and they shudder at the thought. Intellectually knowing something to be true, doesn’t mean it changes you on the inside. It doesn’t equal transformation. Do you expect your knowledge of God or His Word to be enough to change your life?

The bottom line is that God is not about head knowledge!

If He was, the religious leaders of Jesus’ day would have nailed. Instead, they nailed Him to the cross because they missed the mark.

God wants us to experience Him. To fill us with His Spirit, so the fruit of the Spirit could flow out of us.

You may recall the scripture:

Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.

– 1 Corinthians 8:1

I absolutely love the NLT translation that says:

But while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church.

I mean, come on! As someone who loves to learn and teach and expand my realm of knowledge, I SO need that shift in focus.

Knowing more won’t solve all your problems. More of God in your life, the Source of love, because God IS love… that is what will strengthen His people.

I don’t know what kind of man He is.

I cannot wait to share this next bit with you. It’s recently become my absolute favourite story in the Bible. It’s found in John chapter 9 and it starts off kind of weird. Jesus spits on the ground, makes mud with the dirt and saliva, rubs it onto the eyes of a man born blind, and after telling him to wash off the mud, the man’s sight is fully restored. A miracle!

Not to gloss over the miracle of sight, but what happens next is my favourite part.

What should have been a beautifully redemptive moment of healing, turns into a scandalous controversy.

Here’s why:

  • Jesus healed on the Sabbath
  • This was problematic because Jesus lived during a time when religious leaders had added to Mosaic law regarding what was permissible during the Sabbath.
  • What was supposed to be a day of rest, and opportunity to connect with God more deeply, had been twisted into a heavy burden of trying to avoid breaking all the countless rules that had been added to the sacred day.
  • So instead of worshiping God for this miraculous healing, the Pharisees berate the man and demand answers regarding Jesus.

Before we go on, let’s help this hit closer to home.

Maybe YOU’VE encountered Jesus. Maybe God has worked miraculously in YOUR life. Maybe it wasn’t a physical miracle, but maybe He healed something deep inside you that no one and nothing had been able to fix.

And before you can even make sense of what’s happened, doubt creeps in (whether from outside or in), causing you to question everything.

Well going back to our Sabbath healing…

  • The man born blind won’t have it.
  • He’s annoyed at their questions, and even mocks their constant probing!

 “Look!” the man exclaimed. “I told you once. Didn’t you listen? Why do you want to hear it again? Do you want to become his disciples, too?”

– John 9:27
  • The man likely knew that the Pharisees had no interest in becoming followers of Jesus.
  • And perhaps you too are surrounded by similar probing questions coming from insincere hearts.
  • Here is what I love most about the man’s response and what I hope to communicate today…

The Message and The Passion translations are my favourite versions of my favourite verse in the whole story, so I’m including them both.

He replied, “I know nothing about that one way or the other. But I know one thing for sure: I was blind . . . I now see.”

– John 9:25 MSG

The healed man replied, “I have no idea what kind of man He is. All I know is that I was blind and now I can see for the first time in my life!”

– John 9:25 TPT

Friends, so much of what I believe is, in fact, outside my realm of knowledge despite how much I love to learn and study and expand my brain. I know we’re not all built that way and we all grow differently.

But here’s the truth of it for me:

I don’t know everything about Jesus.

All I know with certainty, is what I’ve experienced.

  • I was blind, and now I see.
  • I was lost, and now I’m found.
  • I was walking in darkness, and I’ve seen a Great Light.
  • I was dead, and now I’m alive.

Maybe reading/ listening to this had you assuming I somehow had answers beyond that… I don’t always. And I’m ok with that. There’s just so much beyond my realm of knowledge. The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know.

But knowing His love and what He’s done is enough. And I’ll continue to pursue knowing Him as long as I have eyes to see, ears to hear, and breath in my lungs.

What’s in the Ears

Steffany Gretzinger is a great artist for more stripped down, vocal-focused worship. This is from her new album with throwback songs from the 90s but with her own take on them. The song Knowing You couldn’t be more perfectly paired with the theme of this post.

There will always be some aspect of faith that is beyond our realms of knowledge. But may that push us to dig deeper, instead of becoming cynics or giving up altogether.
I’d love to know your thoughts on this in the comments, send me a message, and share with a friend too!

Podcast version available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Anchor!