Alt title: Sleepless, but not in Seattle

Something’s been going down in the Avila household over the last several months – if I could give you a more specific timeframe, I would. But alas, my fried brain refuses me that luxury. That thing is: sleepless nights.

If you don’t already know, I pride myself in being a stern mother. My boys were sleep trained from young ages and slept for a solid 12 hours well before their first birthdays. Go me!

Hmmm ok so what’s that verse again? Pride comes before disaster, and arrogance before a fall….. ah yes. Well in case you were wondering, it was written with yours truly in mind. Thanks, Proverbs 16:18.

Basically, the longer I’m a parent, the less I know.

Before kids, I knew EXACTLY what to do about everything. Now? Let’s just say, the more trips I take around the sun with my three little shadows, the more questions I have about everything I thought I knew.

I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say: no one’s sleeping.

You may be asking yourself, why is an entire blog post being devoted to kids’ sleep problems? Thank you, that’s a fair question, Loraine. But this post just had to happen at some point because it’s literally taking over my very existence.

Despite having tried everything EVERYTHING we can think of, our three year old wakes multiple times in the night, and the disjointed sleep has had adverse effects on my mental health.

Effects of Sleep Deprivation

Sleep deprivation affects everyone differently. In fact, it’s rumoured that there are unicorns among us who are hardly affected by lack of sleep at all. Good for you! But we can’t be friends. Bye, Loraine.

Besides the obvious (ie: physical exhaustion, foggy brain, etc), lack of sleep manifests itself for me in the following ways:

• short temper
• dark thoughts
• hopelessness
• apathy
• lethargy
• self-destructive tendencies
• mild depression
• resting bitch face

When you’re raising young children, these are ugly things to contend with. Yet it pains me to admit, here we are.

The Thorn in my Side

In his second letter to the Corinthian church, the Apostle Paul tells them about a thorn in the flesh that he claims keeps him humble:

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. ⁹ Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ¹⁰ That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

– II Corinthians 12:8-10

We don’t know what the thorn actually was. Some speculate a physical ailment, others think he was referring to persecution.

The specifics are not important.

What is important, is that God chose to not relieve him of this thorn so that Paul would increase his dependency on Christ for strength.

Wow, can I ever relate to that.

When I carve out time to spend in prayer and God’s Word, He empowers me to take on my day in a strength of spirit that just does not make sense based on the amount of sleep I get.

When my natural inclination is to spiral into negative thoughts and self destructive tendencies… His right hand sustains me. His gentleness makes me great (Psalm 18:25), and I can be the wife and mom my family needs, because I’m not depending on my own strength. Instead, I’m forced to lean into Jesus to fill in the gaps I simply don’t have the capacity for on my own.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

During one of my desperate moments before the Lord, I was asking Him to sustain me through a long day when my husband was due back home long after dinner and bedtime. I came across this verse:

The Sovereign Lord has given me His words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort (sustain, encourage) a tired and weary people. Morning by morning He wakens me and opens my understanding to His will.

– Isaiah 50:4

In parenting, as in life, I want His wise words to be what overflows from me. I NEED His comfort, sustenance, and encouragement to not only bless the tired and weary who may cross my path, but because I am tired and weary myself!

The real gem is in that last line. Personally, I find that morning by morning line to be a nod to Lamentations!

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness.

– Lamentations 3:22-23

Every morning is a new opportunity to be met with His faithful love, mercy, and grace. Although circumstances may be the same (for me, utter exhaustion is my constant companion), I have learnt through these Scriptures and others, that I’m not alone. The Lord is with me. He gives me what I need. And He can use it all for my growth.

Because I’ve come to recognize that everything He gives me is either GOOD, or it’s FOR. MY. GOOD!

So if I get some sleep, then that’s good.

But if I’m sleep deprived, it’s for my good that I’m then forced into deeper dependency on Him to do what I cannot do, namely: be emotionally stable.

Sleep for His Beloved… and a Good Laugh?

I was reminded recently of a psalm that talks of children as a gift from God. But it was the verse just above it that had me burst out laughing at the irony. Y’all, these two verses are literally one after the other. You can’t make this stuff up:

² for God gives rest to those He loves.
³ Children are a gift from the Lord; 
they are a reward from him

– Psalm 127:2-3

Please tell me you see the humour.

I am believing for that real rest that God promises to those He loves…

But then following after with that cheeky little reminder that children are a gift? A reward? Come on, God! I’m too tired and weary to appreciate that truth in this season!

But He doesn’t let me off the hook. He keeps making a way for me to carry on with more reminders of His goodness and provision.

²⁸ “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

– Matthew 11:28-30

I’m reminded here that I can carry anything when I carry it with Jesus. When I learn from Him, when I lean into Him for the strength to do it.

So as I conclude with bloodshot eyes and a chorus of yawns, I hope this encourages you in whatever burden you carry.

Is it this endless pandemic? Marital strain? A toxic work environment? Estranged loved one?

Or something that doesn’t feel like it should be a big deal… but you can’t help that it really is. Like not getting enough sleep? I can say with confidence: I may be struggling in sleeplessness, but He sustains me. There’s goodness in that.

What’s in the Ears

Ok I know I say it every time, but listen with lyrics! This song is just too good.

Is there a thorn in your own side that’s got you on your knees in prayer just to survive the day? You are not alone!
Please reach out to me to vent, for prayer, or anything else! I love to hear from you!